I
can't believe it has been a full month since I have written. It is
definitely not because I don't know what to say! I could write a blog
post daily with this new life.
This
week has just been tough and I knew a blog post was going to come out of the
craziness. It seemed every time God's voice would be so clear showing me
His will, the devil would mess with some thing going on around me. Today,
I finally broke the madness.
I
knew what it was this whole week. Actually it has been on and off since
the girls came to live with me.
Selfishness.
I
was reading in Corinthians the week before last and saw this:
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NLT)
"Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of
the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not
belong to yourself, 20 for God bought you with a
high price. So you must honor God with your body.
I
know these verses. If there is one thing God has solidified in me after I
told Him that I was following Him, it was this. Nothing is mine and I am
not in control. Nothing. Not my work. Not my body. Not
my desires. Not my things. Not my country. Not my path.
Not my plan. Not even my thoughts. It took years of surrendering one
part or another to Him as I grew in my walk. A veces, they seem to show up
again in a new way to be surrendered.
A
fellow missionary here once told me that my desires are automatically God's
desires because I have the Spirit in me, so I can do as I want and rest assure
it is God's will for me. I completely disagree. I have many
desires and wants that are not what God has for me. I constantly have to
put them down in order to follow His will. I have many skills that God
does not choose to use right this moment in the capacity I see fit. I am a very talented teacher (gifted by God), but
yet that is not what God has me doing in a classroom right now. To some
that might not make sense, but I have learned it usually doesn't make
sense. If I can figure it all out, it is usually a SIGN that I am
controlling things and not allowing the Spirit to work out details.
Most of my life decisions include my knees, the Bible, waiting, tears, and more
waiting. Then He speaks into my Spirit and I can move forward on big
faith and confidence of what He said to do. When the devil attacks me
with lies, I can sit back and say, "God said to do this, I have to let Him
take care of it."
If
I was to follow the desires of my heart...I would leave this country. Not
because I hate it, it is because it is not what I would have for myself.
I would open a dance studio, a card shop, a tutoring center, or a salon
(hair/makeup)...I would live in Florida with some of my favorite people giving
glory to God in all I did because those are some true passions I have and could
utilize it for His glory...BUT I choose to say yes to God...and no to
Phyllis. Yes to what He asks because before anything or anyone else, I
want to be in His will.
This
past week the devil has been on over-time with me. And, when it keeps at you,
and you aren't careful, you start to agree with it. Selfish thoughts
start and you agree. They are true statements to the world about what we
deserve and should have...deceived so cleverly that we don't even realize
it. I believe this attack can also lead to depression. The
devil. His lies. It's real. It happens. The scary part is I
think many do not know the signs. My ministry is reading the book Resist the
Devil for our Bible study. It is by a man named Watchman Nee. It's
a life changer. Get it.
I
was never dead set on having children. If I leaned to one side, it was to
not having any. Now that I have two, the devil reminds me of my copious
amounts of time lost caring for two monkeys. Where does 4PM-8PM
go?? Two monkeys that are rather difficult most days than not. The
devil sends a large reminder that God asked me to do it alone right now and
there is no break or "go ask your dad" or someone help me in chores
and tasks/decisions. The devil reminds me about how difficult they are at
times and the constant struggles with one of them lately. It reminds me
my life seemed so much "easier" before (which is a lie, too, because
life was not easier before them, it was just different).
I
am by nature, an introvert. I require so much time alone because people
drain me so much. I am the type of person that can go days without human
interaction and be just fine. Give me a book, I will be just fine.
As you can imagine, God asking me to take two kids has thrown me into a
whirlwind of constant interaction and very little time to fill up. Most
days I just feel completely exhausted mentally.
Today,
I am choosing to stop listening to the lies on having kids. I am choosing
to not listen to the devil tell me all the ways things should be different
BECAUSEEEEE I cannot change the first 10 years of Daniela's life. Her
behavior brings me to tears at night in frustration but it does NOTHING to say
it is unfair to take in a child that is so old and set in behaviors like
constant lying. Complaining over and over again to God that I did not get
to build a solid foundation in Daniela does absolutely nothing. I can say
it isn't fair and the hardship that I endure with her isn't because I didnt rear her Biblically these past
years, but that still changes nothing. It validates my thoughts,
and they are true and they are real, but I said it to God and have to drop
it. Quit being selfish. This life is not mine.
Choosing to lay down my wants/life for the MILLIONTH time and finding joy in
what God has planned to bring Him glory. My selfishness is so disgusting
that I get so caught up in my struggles with them that I forget their own
struggles.
The
devil has even crept into my thoughts and started to say, "This doesn't
even sound biblical... Starting a family without a husband first."
The devil's thought planted in my mind sounds awfully true to me, too. I
could start second guessing. When I start to think that, God ZOOMS my
memory back to the night I woke up and tossed and turned crying in surrender to
taking in His two kids. My faith in that night is strong.
Cannot be changed. I think that is why He does that in
surrender. I don't sit around this country wondering if
I am supposed to live here, where I am supposed to work, etc. I have
rocks to stand. When I waver, I look back to the specific time I
surrendered my will and can say yes, that
is what I was supposed to do. My thoughts from the devil are
lies. End of story and next time it comes, send it out. I don't say
that to say it is easy. The devil is relentless.
Although
I said that I have to lay down my desires
to follow Him...my ultimate desire is to
follow Jesus Christ in whatever
it is that He wants me to do.
I
love Jessica and Daniela unlike I thought I could ever love strangers.
Our lives were instantly sewn together and, struggles aside, they fill me with
such joy. The way they both wake up happy, giving kisses and hugs
instantly warms my soul. Having the chance to pour my whole Christian
life into two little bodies to know Christ and do BIG things for Him because I
taught them about Christ is the most rewarding thing ever. To have the
chance, one day when our language is totally there, to constantly talk about
Jesus Christ and share everything I know to them about Him is so
exciting!! To pour into them everything I know to live a life like mine
as a model is so wonderful! I don't want this blog to just sound like I
am miserable. FAR from that. BUT this is what happens when we let
the devil speak to us and dwell on it.
(To
my non-christian or new Christian readers, I know hearing me say the devil over
and over again sounds creepy. I hated that word when I was searching for
God. Sounds wicked LoCo. I totally feel for you, but the problem is
that it doesn't matter if you believe it to be true...it is still true, whether
you accept it or not. You may not realize that most of your thoughts are
of the devil, especially the those of you that do not claim Christ as yours. I will let
you in on a Christian secret, most Christians do not even realize what the
devil does. Only through constantly seeking His wisdom in His Word do I LEARN more
and more about this world and the unseen world).
I
cannot say that this is the direct cause, but the past month I have been
exhausted mentally, physically, spiritually...just everything. I didn't
even read my Bible or Christian books for like 5 days straight (scary).
Yesterday I had the surrender moment breakdown which almost felt like freaking
salvation! My month long dreary mood ended. I didnt even think about
"wanting to badly nap" like I usually fight through every evening or
usually like an hour or two after waking wanting to pass out in exhaustion.
Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is Freedom!
