Salvation Numero 2

Saturday, April 1, 2017
1:32pm

I was laying in the sun by the edge of my porch as the kids and neighbor kids played below.  Every once in a while, I would yell down and tell a kid to stop using bad words, tell another kid he can't play here if he doesn't respect Daniela, or answering the hollers of kids to enter the house to get water.  Then I see Jessica walking towards the road with a little friend.

Hey!  Where you headed?  
Uhhhhh, welll, I, uhmmmmm.  (Oddly keeps walking)
Heyyy!  Get up here!

So she was going to quickly run up the street with her friend to get another friend.  We have a long driveway and lots of little kids around the corner to come play.  She's allowed to do this if Daniela is with her and she lets me know.  When she came up, I said, What will you do if someone takes you?  You don't have Daniela there to punch them in the face!  You are gonna get popped in the face one time to knock you out and get you to stop crying!  This bold little psycho lion says, "What!?  You don't think I would punch someone in the face??"  I almost died laughing.

So she runs her lies, like usual.  She said D didn't tell her to ask mom.  She said to just go.  I counted the times she said it, 3.  Then called D up.  She said that she was lying.  On the 4th time I asked, she said she was lying.  D did indeed say go ask mom.  So we sat there talking it out, then out of her mouth comes flyinggggg so fast, BUT Daniela is lying!  She didn't tell me to ask you!  I paused and said, It is like something is controlling you, child.  You lie in the middle of getting in trouble for telling lies!! 

It was already 2pm and I was out to get a Mother of the Year Award by just then making lunch, so I had her come with me to help.  I said, if I was you, Jess, I would pray to God to tell the devil in Jesus Name to LEAVE YOU ALONE.  She agrees and doesn't ask me to join.  Usually she does, like getting big guns with me, but she didn't want that today.  Today, she was handling business alone.

She looked so sweet as I cooked, so I snapped a photo.  Then, I started to pray over her, reaching out a hand to her but not touching her.  I was not focused, more thinking about the stove and said, In the Name of Satan... and my eyes flew open and I was pissed, to say the least, that that came out of my mouth.  I had no idea the weight of her prayer, but was angry that it jumped in there claiming its name!!  I was talking to my friend Jamie today and he said it has happened to him before, too.  Ayyy! I rebuked it immediately and focused on what I WAS PRAYING!  Even praying should not be done mindlessly, it should be Spirit-led!  She comes up out of prayer and walks away.  As she gets into the hallway, away and out of my sight, I hear in the lowest whispery voice, The old is gone, the new has come.  He is my God. He saved me. He's my Savior.  I holler from the kitchen, What the heck are you doing!?  Why are you saying these things?  She comes back and says, Maybe I should stay in, did you ever think maybe God wants to hang out with me?  I'm like, Uh, yeah, I think He does.

We grabbed our food to go sit on the front porch and eat.  As we walked,  I said, so uhh, what the heck did you pray to God and say??  She said, "I asked Him to forgive me.  I asked Him to change my life.  I asked Him to make me new and for me to want to seek Him."

WHAT!?  I said pray for those demons to leave your crazy butt alone!  We continued to eat and she said, I guess I can't play.  I said, "I think you can."  She said, "yeah, Mom, because I'm new!  That thing went flyinggggg out of me!"

I'm sorry, what????????  What went flying out of you!??

I said, "Okay, go play.  LISTEN to that new voice."

I thought it was all crazy and figured I would test her fruit and see what is going on as time went on. I'm not going to talk about it and not prompt her into thinking anything.

6PM
Daniela, I can help you fold your clothes! What!?  No, don't help her, she can do her own.  (Who is this kid!?)

10:10PM
(Still working on that Mom of the Year Award as Jess is still awake)

Jess says as we lay in bed, "I need to start praying for my friends and Jose to become new, too.  I think I need to forgive people like Jesus forgave me."  HUH?  What? Who do you need to forgive? Ethan!  Who else do you need to forgive? Daniela.  Well,  maybe you could go wake D up.  No, I'll wait for morning.  Ok.  (The kitchen light pops on.)  Mom!  She's awake, I'll go now!  Ok, go.

Sunday, April 2nd
4:30PM
D comes up from playing, "Mom, Jessica just actually told Jose that he is trying to be mean to her and make her angry, but she isn't getting angry because Jesus doesn't want that!"  We both look at each other like this kid is nuts.

8:10PM
We are fasting as a family for victory of one of His kids from a stronghold (we know locally) and to let her feel God's full love.  I made the decision that "our camp" was all doing this, so they joined me tonight by not having their dinner snack.  Daniela asked if she could have hot chocolate, probably because I have only done coffee since lunch.  I told her to pray and ask the Lord what He wants.  I told Jess to get in the shower and do the same.  If you feel a yes, you can.  If you feel a no, do not do it.  I reminded them this isn't fun or to be taken lightly, never say God led you to anything if you have no clue.  Don't drink the cocoa because you want some.

I hear a holler from the shower, "I can't.  My answer was a no!"  I cried.  Does this kid seriously have the Holy Spirit????

I am so skeptical of kids getting Saved so young, but I just cannot deny this kid in my house acting so differently.  And not drinking hot chocolate!?  She has a mild addiction to hot cocoa and these have those colorful marshmallows!!!!  Only through the Spirit of God could she deny that! I'm being serious, people.  I thought surely this kid is following her older sister and just going to say I got a "Yes! God told us both yessssss."

Oh my heart.  I have cried so much today over this young girl we are praying for and then I am crying over both of my freaking kids are going to heaven!!

9:16PM
(Mother Award again today bc she is far overdue for sleep :)
Jess comes to me as she's reading the Bible.  Look at this, Mom, so true.
So True, hunnie.  

New Song

I shared on Facebook that my friend was baptized over last weekend.  This is her sweet story of redemption.  It's amazing how obedience brings forth fruit-- Daniela has finally asked me to be baptized, too!  

Psalm 40:30 He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the LORD.

Several times over the past couple of weeks I have been asked to share “my story”. This time I was asked to put it in written form. Turns out it’s even harder to write it down than it is to speak it out loud. There’s something so concrete about putting a pen to paper (or fingers to a keyboard) that makes it feel so much weightier. But, I guess it makes sense, it should be weighty because this story is not mine; if it were I wouldn’t have the courage to share it. This story is the story of Christ, His Redeeming Grace and how for 23 years I, His daughter, pretended to know Him while living a life that grieved Him. It’s a story that I’ve come to realize is like that of so many others in the Body though most of us are too prideful to share it. Slowly God has been breaking down my pride and has left me undone and overcome by His goodness and faithfulness and now He’s been asking me not to keep that a secret. Like I said, it’s not my story: it’s His.

From the beginning…

I grew up in a church surrounded by people who not only spoke of their faith, but also lived it. My family stood in front of that church and dedicated me to God just weeks after I was born; they made a verbal commitment, as did the rest of my church, to do their best to raise me for Him. From then on if the church doors were open, chances are I was there with someone: Sunday mornings, Wednesday nights, holidays, celebrations, Bible quizzing…the list goes on. If my friends were over Saturday night they came to church with me on Sunday morning. I knew all the right answers to the Sunday school questions. I was the perfect “church kid”.

Somewhere along the line I grew complacent. I got really good at living a lie. I continued walking through the motions living a life that reflected Christ while people were watching, but as soon as they turned their head my life reflected a different story. I still knew all of the right answers, I knew how to act it out (“act” versus “live”), and though I’m sure people recognized I wasn’t perfect, I was still a “church kid”.

High school came around and I continued living that same lie. I was living “in” the world and day-by-day I was beginning to live more and more “of” the world. God kept me safe, placed barriers in my path from sinking too far, and brought people into my life that started seeing the lies and speaking to them. He finally got ahold of me and pointed me in the direction of a Christian college: Olivet Nazarene University. I knew I was missing something, and I knew I wanted more of Him after spending so long walking outside of His light but I didn’t quite know how to get it.

Freshman year of college God moved in me more than He ever had before. If you would have asked me about a month ago I would have told you that I was truly saved that year. I started hearing and seeing Him more and I started to understand what it truly should look like to follow Him. Yet I still was not following Him. I continued to act it out versus live it out and for the most part I didn’t even recognize the disconnect. When one thing would go wrong it would shake me to the core, I would doubt again and question His character. I asked questions like why does He feel so distant? Why won’t He reach in and rescue me from this? I had no foundation. It was all surface level.

After I graduated I moved to the Dominican Republic as a missionary with a Christian organization. Still then I was not living a life that reflected Christ. I professed to despise hypocrisy while being one of the biggest hypocrites of them all. I was even a part of the worship team Sunday mornings, closing my eyes and singing and praying while truthfully I didn’t even have a relationship with God. I still couldn’t understand the disconnect. It started to get a lot less comfortable though because I started to realize that it’s really hard to hide in the environment that I’m in right now. Whereas in America it’s really easy to pretend you have it all together on Sunday mornings, it’s a lot harder when you have to pretend every day of the week. I started to shrink back from the people around me here, hiding for fear of being discovered in the midst of my lies, too prideful to admit that something was off that I wasn’t that perfect “church kid”. 

Then God happened.

Just like that.

Three Sundays ago I was sitting in church listening to the Pastor speak from Acts on boldness. At the end of the message it was evident that the Holy Spirit was moving in the room. He opened it up for prayer and people began pouring out their hearts. Then all of a sudden someone started to pray and immediately I understood that God was speaking through her directly to me. Her words convicted and wrecked me. At one point she said (and I’m paraphrasing) ‘We pray to hear you but we’re not even in our Word.’ That definitely wasn’t the only part of her prayer that challenged me but with that phrase in particular something snapped into place. I have never consistently been in the Word. I’ve heard all the stories, but I’ve never sought to read the Bible on my own. How in almost 23 years with my church background have I missed this?!

John 1:1-5 says, “In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” How much more obvious does it get that the Word is a pretty important part of this walk? I’ve had the first part of this passage memorized for years and still I’ve missed it.

That week I was convicted to finally start reading and still it took me until the following Saturday to even pull one of my four Bibles off my bookshelf (ironic how many Bibles I have even here with me in the D.R. when I didn’t even actually read them). During the week I had been talking with a friend of mine and she had mentioned a verse from James. I don’t remember the context or even the particular verse but when I opened my Bible I thought maybe God wants me in James, so that’s where I started and immediately I was overwhelmed with how directly God was speaking to me through it. That Saturday I read three chapters. In James 3:1 it says, “Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness.” I thought about the position of ministry God put me in and was broken by the disservice I have done trying to lead teenagers into the light while walking in darkness.

That night I woke up around two o’clock in the morning. I was exhausted but for whatever reason could not fall back asleep. I started thinking about the stories I had heard people share about God waking them up in the middle of the night and thought, ‘Is that what this is?’ I started praying and I wasn’t honestly even sure what to pray about. Looking back and knowing what He did that next day I understand that He wanted to have my full attention. After one day of being in the Word I was already hearing Him in new ways.

The next day I read James chapters 4 and 5. I got to church that morning and again our Pastor was speaking out of Acts but this time the message ended up being about confession. As he was speaking he put a passage from James 5 on the screen (“ironic” how I had read it just that morning). Part of the passage read “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” (James 5:16) I remember thinking and praying: ‘Okay God, I hear you, I know you are asking me to finally stop living a lie, but I’m too weak and prideful. I don’t have the courage to humble myself enough to bring this into the light. Please give me the courage and I will do as you ask.’

After I had prayed this I relaxed and thought, ‘Alright, I’m going to let God work that out in my heart, wait for the courage and then I’ll do something about it.’ Immediately after I had thought that our Pastor said, ‘I will just challenge you to find someone you trust and confess to them by the end of the day.’ What? Turns out that when you start listening, you start hearing Him. That doesn’t mean you’re always going to like what He says. After church I was a mess. My stomach was in knots and I was terrified. How was I supposed to tell someone that I’d been lying and hiding for years? But, He had made it clear that is what He wanted me to do. That day I spoke to a close friend and I let her see through all of the lies that I had been spinning. I could not believe the freedom and healing that simply talking to her brought me. It was then that I decided I was done walking in darkness because I had tasted the light and couldn’t turn back.

From that God continued to show me things, line up scripture for me to read and just spoke to me in a way that I had never experienced before because I had not been listening. Up to that point I had never been baptized. I had always been afraid of baptism because I knew that I didn’t truly have a relationship with Christ. I knew that being baptized would mean that I had to actually choose to live the life rather than just act it out and I was not ready. That Sunday I realized that for the first time I truly wanted to be baptized. I wanted the concrete representation of a rebirth in Him, but I was afraid. Being baptized meant not only sharing how God was working in my life with one close friend, but in front of the entire church, to the whole Body. It meant humbling myself enough to say to the students and staff I work with every day, ‘Hey guys, I’ve been lying to you.’ I was afraid of what people would think of me, but I knew God was asking me to do it. I didn’t know it at the time, but as excited, as I’m sure He is to have His daughter back, He was going to use my obedience to do so much more for His Kingdom.

I spoke with my Pastor and the following Sunday, March 26^th, 2017, I shared with my church how God was moving in me, I confessed to them the lies that I had told them, and I was baptized.  Person after person congratulated me, hugged me, and cried with me because finally after years of pretending, He saved me. I spent years knowing of Him, but now I truly know Him. And the sweetest and most humbling thing is that He’s showed me how He’s already begun to use this story in the lives of people around me. That He’s allowed me to be a part of that absolutely blows my mind. This is how God moves; this is how He works. One simple step of obedience and He moves mountains in our favor. He’s released me from the chains that have bound me and now I get to start this journey with Him in complete freedom.

I keep trying to think of a good way to wrap this up, but nothing comes to mind because the story isn’t done. It’s only begun to be written and I can’t wait to see what He does next.

In Him,

Steph

How to Read the Bible

I wanted to pen out a few guidelines for reading the Bible that I have used over the years.

• Choose a Time to Read:  Just like you should have daily time to workout and eat meals, you should carve out a specific time to read, daily.  Even on the weekends you should read your Bible.  In the beginning, it might need to be scheduled.  Think of it as water and food, you need it daily. Once you start consistently, you will see  God working in crazy ways and won't be able to stop.

• Pray:  Literally pray for yourself to be cleared before you start.  Use a few minutes to repent of things you know you need to be cleared of and ask God to show/reveal things to you through the Spirit.  READ ONLY with the Spirit.  The Bible is not just like any other book.  It's God's Word.  You need His Spirit to understand and be given revelation.  You need to understand why we hide the word in our hearts, not mindlessly spit out verses.  We all know someone that knows so much about the Bible, but knows nothing about Christ and doesn't even obey the Word they have memorized.

• Read with the intent to CHANGE yourself, not others.  Don't think about who needs to hear this or how so and so doesn't do this.  Think about what God wants YOU to do with this WORD.   The Word is Alive, so reading the same verses over 5 years will speak to you differently.  What other people do-- does not change you.  God does.  We are not called to react, but just act accordingly to the Spirit that leads us.  Conflict?  We are called to walk through it even if the other person isn't led.  Shed the thoughts that you do things because other people do things...that is not how we live.  In the simple form, Jess just came in saying Jose was so mean to her but she wasn't mean back because that is not what Jesus wants her to do.

• Self- Reflect:  As you read the Word, continually ask God, do I do this?  Do I not do this?  Do I act like this character, whether it is godly or not?  What would be God's reaction to my situation?  What does He say I should do?  Shouldn't do?  Are these my views?  Do I need to ask others what I need to change to line up with this Word?  If you don't read, you do not change.  

• Length:  Don't read to rush through and get a certain amount done a day.  Some days I barely get through 3 verses in 2 hours because I am praying and asking God for revelation on it and in my life situations. Other days I'll read complete books.  Some days I read for 15min if that is all I have time for.  Other days, I read for 4 hours. When God is getting ready to do something in me, I am pulled to the Word in the morning and at night.  There is no set amount of time to me, I just make sure that I am reading daily.   

• Be Flexible:  Pray and ask God where to read daily.  Start there, but when the next day comes, do not feel like you always have to start and finish a book unless you feel pulled to do that. Once again, pray about it.  If you don't have a Study Bible, use Google to search for background info on the book you are reading.  If you are new to reading and do not know the Bible stories, I would recommend starting and finishing books to understand the whole story.  I would also say that it is good to read the Bible in Chronological order at some point, too. Google the list.  Pray about using the Bible Project on YouTube.  It's the best.  I used it all the time. The whole book is ALIVE and everyday you should be in it, that is how you are changed and renewed.  

• Get a Bible: Not just one that is on your phone.  I have never met anyone that was spiritually healthy that only used a Bible on their phone.  You should be highlighting, writing, underlining, making notes, circling, writing dates, etc in there. 

• Truth:  As believers in Christ, we have to accept all of the Bible as Truth.  All of it.  Believing in Christ means that we believe that the Bible is Truth.  As you read, ask yourself if you believe it.  Remember your opinion doesn't matter.  Your flesh is hostile to God.  There are many things I still ask God to show me revelation in because I do not understand, but I must believe it is all true.  That is what you signed up for, so there is no room to say you don't believe some of it.

• Applies to You:  Whatever Jesus says about His believers, belongs to us.  We must fully accept the power and authority that lives inside of us.  When He says you are new, you must believe you are made new.  You must believe Jesus more than the devil.  Sound weird? Sound like a given? It must be said.  Why do so many sulk and live in misery?  They believe the devil's lies more than Truth.  That's unacceptable.  

• Obey:  Start doing it.  In order to call yourself a Christ follower...you have to follow Christ and His teachings.  Sounds so simple, yet missing.  Would you call yourself a vegetarian, yet eat meat?  Would you call yourself a bowler yet not know how to play, never learned the rules and system, and do not play the game?  Doesn't that sounds crazy? If you aren't following Jesus, maybe you aren't a follower?  I have no idea, it's a good question.  Jesus said you obey Him. Your advice to others should only be from the Spirit's directing and Biblical advice.  How can you give counsel if you don't read and obey?  These are hard questions that will make you change.

• Pray:  Start praying about everything, all the time.  Your work is not separate.  Your kids are not separate.  Your relationships are not separate.  All of the decisions in those things should be prayed through, aligned to the Word, and discerned with the Spirit.  I am amazed at people making decisions because they are a part of a system.  Logic and human ways of doing things come into play a lot.  Before moving here, I could have stay 4 more months to have my student loans paid for by my county, but God said move.  Sounds so foolish to the human mind, yet God had a crazy plan.  Out of the blue a donor called me and asked to pay off my student loans. To date, they have been paid in full.  AMEN!!  There is no room for logic and following human patterns.  God has a plan, come get in IT.

• Start: Today.   Adopt this new mantra:  It's not about me.  Because it isn't.  That is what you choose when you accepted Christ.  Even where you choose to go to church shouldn't be "up to you"...It's up to God.  Where does HE want to USE you?  You are to be used to DO for Him now.  You might be an amazing teacher, but He doesn't have that anymore for you.  You might be a popular lawyer, but he's sweeping that out from under you to move you to Africa.  You might be a missionary that is not following Him but claiming you are in this "adventure," and He is calling you to back out of your organization to fix yourself first.  I do not know what He has for you, but nor will you, if you do not seek His face...(and that should scare the living daylights out of you.)  

Why should you do this?  Because when you finally decide to live the way He says, you find peace. You find rest.  You find victory.  You find the Path.  You realize the consequence isn't yours.  It's God's.  To anyone that is head of household (husband, mom, single) knows the responsibility is on them.  It's daunting to run the house and have sole responsibility.  But in Christ, it's not daunting.   When you can rest in the fact that you followed the leading of the Spirit and did as you were led, you are released from the responsibility.  Then, when you don't understand circumstances, you wont find yourself saying you did something wrong.  You just rest in this is what God has for me right now.

I had a vision weeks ago.  There were two rooms. One was of just a few people happy and filled with joy socializing.  The other room was of people sitting on the floor bound to their spot;  it was dark and ugly in there.  When I walked in, I got down next to one of them and said, "You have NO CHAINS, get up!"  The person said, "Oh, but I do, I can't move.  I am in chains, I can't get up from here!  I am stuck here!!" I touched her arm and said, "LOOK!  Nothing is there!"  Sadly, she wouldn't listen.

Our Lord and Savior came and was beaten to almost death slowly, then crucified.  He didn't endure so you could live a crappy life in chains to the devil.  He set you free.  You will learn what it really means to suffer, but it wont be for false claims that do not even exist, it will be for the KINGDOM of God.

The Word of God cannot be chained.  It goes out and it changes, it's not empty.  Get reading. 

Set Free

I've been seeking God on showing me the disconnect I see in church today.  As I read the Word, I often don't see it being repeated correctly by Christians.  New ones and old ones, too.  Their lives do not reflect what Jesus said.  I know the Word, but I don't know why when I explain it, it isn't the same when applied in our lives.  I've even heard other Christians say things like I give too much credit to the devil.  Huh?  Not a new Christian either.  Someone who grew up in the church.  If an outsider was to explain what a Christian looks like, they would say-- a person gets Saved, then spends the rest of their lives battling things they can't overcome in bondage to the devil. They live a life consumed with obsessive thoughts for various sins and prayers to God to please change their life, begging for change, begging for Him to do something, exhausted in anxiety, depression, and fear never getting out of this cycle...then accepting that this is life in Christ.  Along with being told that victory is sometimes a 20 year process. Seriously, is that what it looks like????

All I ever think is, isn't that the life of the NOT Saved? What's the difference?  And so, I have realized that others don't see the difference in us either.  Why? Did you know Jesus Christ, that Guy we call Savior said-- 

Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. (Matt 5:48) 

They do not belong to this world any more than I do. (John 17:16 )

Colossians tells us that our sinful nature is cut away.  We are buried with Christ and raised to NEW life. You were dead then MADE ALIVE. God disarmed the evil rulers and authorities.  He shamed them publicly by His victory over them ON THE CROSS.  Done.  You have died with Christ and He has SET YOU FREE  from the evil powers of this world. <---- That actually happened!! (Col 2)

I actually believe all of that fully.  If I am struggling in a sin, the problem is me.  I have available to me power and authority, but my pride, insecurity, selfishness, fear--name the SIN, is the problem. Not Jesus.  He is FAITHFUL.  He has made me complete, lacking nothing and has equipped me. When I am tempted, He will provide a way out to endure.  THIS does not mean He will never give you things you can't handle.  In Jesus, it is ALL about HOW WE CANNOT handle any of it!  NONE on our own.  That is WHY we need Him.  It has nothing to do with being a strong person.  Why does life feel like it's out of control?  You are trying to handle it and you can't.  Mother Teresa was a liar to say that "God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He wouldn't trust me so much."  It has nothing to do with trusting in yourself, but TRUST in Him.  When your little baby dies from no known reasons, you can't handle it.  When your spouse of 35 years dies, you can't handle it.  When you are diagnosed terminally, you can't handle it.  When you are sick and no one can diagnose what the problem is, you can't handle it. When your dad kills your mom, you can't handle it.  When you have no place to live and you're a young adolescent, you can't handle it.  You know Who can? Jesus. Thank, God.

So, as I was praying and asking God to show me what the church looks like, He put a girl on my heart that was a part of an American therapeutic house here in the DR.  I notice the longer I am a Christian, the more God puts certain people in my heart that I connect with in a special way.  She was one of them.  I sent her message asking what she thought about church people. Her response blew me away and opened a door.  When the convo ended, because I had to drive a long distance, I felt pulled to tell her to keep her eyes open.  The whole convo was a bunch of information that was not true of God's character, but somehow taught.  I said listen, and be on the look out for something from God.  I spent Friday praying incessantly for the Lord to do some miracle.  Nothing happened.  Come Saturday the same.  Then today she sent me a text with a photo of a dollar bill.  On it was a message from God.  I cried.  She cried.  In our convo this week, she referred to God's Word as shit.  I wanted to be shocked but I wasn't.  I loved her rawness and truth!  I mourned her lack of Truth but actually thinking she knew Truth. As I drove, the Lord showed me that what she said is actually common. Did your mouth drop at her calling God's Word shit?  Do you spend adequate time daily in the treasure He has given us? Not that email Bible verse and call it Bible reading, but actually sit down and ask God what He wants you to do and how He wants to use you?  No?  Then couldn't we really say that you think it's really just crap, too?  Not worthy to be read.  Not important.  Jesus is super bold in the book of John. If you love me, you obey me.  How can you obey if you don't read and know what it says? You can't.  If you don't read and think on His words, you probably aren't being convicted by the Spirit. So would Jesus say you don't love Him? If you don't feel conviction, then you aren't repenting.  If you aren't repenting, then you are not being renewed and changing.  Could this be the reason you aren't seeing any change in your life for many years?  If you aren't changing, then how are you doing what John the Baptist said about becoming less and Jesus becoming greater and greater?  John 15:8 says that "My true disciples produce much fruit." There is no fruit produced outside of the Spirit.  If people call you patient and God isn't glorified in that through His Spirit, you are doing it.  He isn't sharing the glory for you to have.  The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God! No room for you.  You must be connected to the Vine.  You must be reading, repenting, and growing.

Even after this young lady said His Word is garbage and "He does nothing to help"...  She begs and pleads, and He won't change anything.  He still chooses to go after her and sends her a sign this weekend.  How do you not cry at that??  We do not understand that forgiveness.  We can't, but we can offer it to others when we are connected to Him.  AND only in Him alone can we offer forgiveness to those that have done things so very wrong.  That's love.  Read John this week and focus on how Jesus talks to His people, or those that want to say they are religious.  You might just be shocked how He talks and is kinda in-your-face, not so much codling to please come and join the group, but more like count the cost.  The COST IS SO HIGH.  It's your life.  Not just one death. There must be two deaths to complete this.  Jesus and yours.  Did you ever die? Or is everything still revolving around you?  

So, do you really love Him?

Fasting

The Sunday before last, I started a fast on food.  I felt drawn to the book of Daniel and wasn't too sure why, but I knew the Lord was calling me to "purify my camp."  When I finally got around to reading the book, I came to Daniel only eating vegetables and water for 10 days.  I felt like I should fast, so I began the next morning (1/29/17).  I figured I would stop when I felt the Lord say so.
These are some notes I took from my journal.  I think fasting is so important for believers and sadly, no one discusses it because they have twisted the Bible verse about flaunting it.  Every time I fast, I get a real feeling for starvation.  God always reminds me of trafficking victims and how they continue to live in such abuse, even when it doesn't seem possible.  The difference with me is that in my starvation, I have Christ.  He is everything to me, even my daily Bread.

Day 1:  Sunday
Only ate vegetables, water, hot tea, or black coffee w unsweet cacao.  It was so odd to not use anything on the vegetables but seasoning.  God reminded me that "I don't live on bread alone."

Day 2:
My stomach bloating that had been going on for weeks has subsided.  I had gotten a few tests done and nothing came back but some yeast and starch in my stool.  I had taken 2 heavy antibiotics in December/January for a bacteria I had.  I don't know if that threw my body off, but I haven't felt well in months.  I was happy the H Pylori bacteria was gone but hated that my tests showed no parasites, amoebas, or bacteria issues when I knew my stomach ached and body wasn't normal.  I started the fast thinking this was just to purify my mind and lean into God more, but it turned into so much more! Doesn't it always when you fast? I started to wonder if we were starving/fixing my stomach/intestinal issues, too.  I went to my workout class that was pretty intense with HIIT workouts.  I wanted an excuse not to go and felt led to go.  So I did.  I was amazed that I had more energy than I thought I would.

Day 3:
Sustainer has become the repeating word in my mind.  Jesus is my Sustainer.  He sustains.  When my hunger kicks in, He says, "not by bread alone"  (Deut 8:3).  Whenever I am low on grains in my normal-balanced diet, my legs begin to ache and my headaches start-- but I don't have any of those.   So odd.  3 days without any meat, sugar, grains, fruits, beans, oils, etc and I feel pretty normal.  I have seen 40 days pop in my head a few times, I'm not sure if that is what He is asking.  I have felt this urge to pray for others.  I will keep going until I feel led otherwise.

Day 4:
I feel ODDLY good!  Seems crazy to not have sugar or oil in days.  I went to my workout class, because I, again, wanted a reason not to go and God said, "I give you strength!" in psalm 29:11.   He was showing me that He supplies me with energy for my workouts, not myself.  I do miss meat and my muscle recovery from workouts show greatly with no protein in my system.  God asked me to ask a friend what she needed deliverance from.  I thought the wording was so odd, but asked her anyway because she loves Christ and I knew something had to be going on.  She texted back immediately with a long story of what was going on.  I was floored but also knew God knows what He is doing and shouldn't be too shocked.  I committed the day to her in the fast.  Every-time I wanted to talk to God about myself or my list of questions for Him, He would direct me to her...NOT ME.  Uh!  Why not both, God!?  Just her.  I am honored to do this.  I don't know why He would favor me to take part in such a heavenly realm task.  I cry.  I cry most days feeling super overwhelmed in His presence.

Day 5: No food-Full Fast
By now God had given me a laundry list of people to intercede on their behalf and pray for...I thought, how long could this possibly go on for?  I need more food, God.  I started to become prideful and not agree with the list.  There were some people I didn't want to pray for and definitely did not want to FAST for them!  I started this out for myself and here I am having to pray for others.  That morning, I felt the Lord say no food.  I CRIED. When I fast, my body and soul is so weakened.  I cry over everything out of exhaustion of mind as I lay it down to Christ.  All of it.   What?  No food? I am submitted and surrendered to You in this fast!  How am I being disciplined?  I am righteously angry for the hardened people you put on my list that don't care about YOU!  But He showed me: I do not choose.  He does.  Even if I am right in my thoughts, He says who and when.  That morning I was reading Philippians and came across this--
1:19 For I know that as you pray for me and the Spirit of Jesus Christ helps me, this will lead to my deliverance.  
I was in complete shock.  Look at that word:  deliverance.  Right there.  Through the prayers.  What!? I felt Him saying, "I want you to be a bridge, Phyllis."  I could feel I needed to be broken even deeper to be used in my Spiritual Gifts.  God has been showing me something since early December and now He is bringing it full circle for His people, the Kingdom.

Day 6: No food-Full Fast
The morning came and I still felt convicted about eating anything.  Ok. I can do this.  You sustain me. I read in a book this AM:  The peace of God passes understanding, at the cost of all your fears.  The cost is high: yourself.

I feel good.  Sustained.  Oddly totally ok.  How long, God?  I feel down today.  Like, I don't understand why He goes so quiet.  I don't hear or feel much of anything today.  My body feels sad and heavy.  Sounds very odd, but I feel a body cleanse.  Am I sick?  Am I being healed of something that I don't even know I have?  Wouldn't You get glory if I was diagnosed first...then You heal?


I kept hearing the Lord saying 27 pushups.  It repeated 3 times in my thoughts.  Finally, I got up and prayed.  Like, is that you, God, and what are you talking about!??? I told Him I had never done that many pushups consecutively in my life!  I have barely eaten in 4 days and NO FOOD in the last 2 days. Even if I could, right now I am not nourished to do pushups. But, I got on my knees and started. I went to 28 and laughed.  I could have done more.  WHAT!?  I give you strength.

It was like God is teaching me that He wants me to have no self reliance, just Him.  Like, I am not looking to do anything by your power, I am leading you into something new that will be on MINE only.  

Day 7:  Back to Veg Only
I am kinda bothered that I am losing weight on a fast.  I have worked so hard the last few years on Weight Watchers measuring everything that goes into my mouth and work out so hard and these 15 lbs REFUSE to budge.  Now, on a fast, I am losing weight?  The scale said down 7lbs and then I felt convicted weighing.  No more scale, my spirit whispered.  I told God, this is ridiculous.  He showed me, He gets the glory.  I told Him, You get the glory already!  I eat well and workout for the body that is Yours!  It appears like I don't have self-control being overweight and it appears I don't workout because I don't lose weight!  Why wouldn't you change what the problem is with my body/hormones and get the glory??  But He wants all the glory.  I feel embarrassed when people notice, I will have to say it's from a fast.  That's not fair.  Isn't it normal to get recognition for hard work and diligence? Wouldn't the world say that that is normal?  But instead, He says on my terms you lose or not.  I was just mind-blown by this.  Like, how far can You cut me down?  You are showing me things that are beyond human eyes.  I was so humbled by this.  Like, no recognition to me for the work you do. Okkkkk!

I feel like I am being cut down at the knees.
I hear God saying things in my Spirit like:
Go into the trenches
Come down to the ground
I choose, not you
Do as I say and when

Christ did not demand and cling to His rights.  He made Himself nothing and I am nothing.  Suffer for others.  Empty stomach or not, my strength is Christ.  My friend Ang emailed me about intersessory prayer is represented by incense in Rev 5:8.  They are put in golden bowls with praise. She told me it is very humbling to pray for someone else who doesn't realize what it cost you.  In this, we share in suffering.  She reminded me to keep in mind Christ's cost and everything we gained!  She said that our self is not allowed in the holy of the holies, this is an intimate level.  We must press on because this is not natural.

She validated so many things the Lord was telling me already.  I am at a place in this fast few draw in to to experience.  I kept praying and thanking God that I could even be a part of something so wonderful that HE IS doing.

Today my arms have these cold tingling feelings going down them.

Day 8:
I feel perfect and tingling went away.  I took the healthiest poop I have seen in 6-8 weeks!  How insane is that? (I don't even know how that is possible).

Day 11: Today
I don't have conviction in eating.  I just counted the days and realized today is 11!! I thought it was 10!  I kept thinking shouldn't I go to 10, Daniel did 10??  Then, I counted the days and realized I finished 10 ayer.  Today I feel like He is showing me to continue with my list, but I don't have to fast. It is super exciting.


I know something new is coming.  In the Bible, they are told to purify their camps before God is about to do something crazy.  I know that I am coming into a personal ministry with my Spiritual Gifts, I am just not sure of all the details yet.  This fast showed me that God wants to do something through me but I need to be willing to be emptied completely in order to do it.  As I texted with Luke and Naomi this morning, they both confirmed the same...something is about to change.  We all feel pulled to shed away and purify the camp.  I can't wait for it all to unfold and you guys get to see it all.

I have only really eaten one meal today and my stomach feels awful.  So painful and in knots.  It is just awful in multiple ways without details.  Fasting felt easier than coming off a 10 day fast. Suffering comes to mind again.  But, I know nothing about suffering, even when I want to complain, I am humbled to be silent.  Around the world my brothers and sisters in Christ feel suffering at the hands of other religions.  That is suffering.  This is nothing, but I do feel like one day I will know real hunger and starvation, but I will already know and have experienced, I don't live off bread alone.

Joshua 3: 5 Then Joshua told the people, “Purify yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do great wonders among you.”