Things are changing here and at a faster pace than I expected the last few weeks. God is asking for me to put all of my faith into Him and what He is capable of in my life. Life is about to get flipped upside down soon. Why is this so difficult when I have already done it once before???
Pieces of my journal this past 2 weeks:
"Sitting in my class on the verge of a God breakdown- DAY 3 of this. I know big things are ahead and this is the process to get me ready. I know I am where I am supposed to be-- even in this time of storm. I remember all of this from when He moved me to the Dominican Republic. I spoke about the story in Matthew for Bible with the kids about how God takes care of the birds and flowers, and had to tell the kids to hold on a minute as my eyes well up with tears. I know it's true for me, too. I need to believe. I come home on lunch break and cry again."
"I really cant believe this week has felt like the first move. I think this is now my life. Dying to oneself--AGAIN???? Insane! A year ago today, I was going through these same emotions."
I cannot even remember the last time I slept soundly. It was definitely before Christmas time. I wake up throughout the whole night either sick or praying incessantly. Last week I had God panic attacks, that's where those two entries, ALONG with many others came. These aren't earthly panic attacks, they are faith panic attacks. I've never had a real panic attack and my first God panic attack was when He was moving me here. Your heart races and you are just one with the Lord to help you let go of whatever He has asked of you. It is always on my knees. Good tears of wanting to let go of my life and just do His will. Literally feels like a death. My own death... to let GO. Jump, child of Mine, I have this planned out already. Just take the step! It is part of the process where He breaks you down. Literally.
Twice my roommates asked if everything was okay last week because I went to my room very early several nights in a row. Mainly because I feel crazy and God is just constantly having me surrender my will for His, which is anything but easy and always includes tears.
Heather texted me earlier today that church reminded her of me. I told her my faith is seriously sucking lately. She assured me that it is may be wavering but it doesn't suck. I could disagree with that. Love that girl. She just sent me a text that said, "Faith is knowing there is an ocean when you can only see a stream." (Hebrews 11:1) The word FAITH is everywhere. It's the word He is showing me constantly. If you read this blog enough, it is one way God speaks loudly to me. I see the same word over and over again to show me something.
I tell God just tell me the answer to ________ and He doesn't. I am thankful He doesn't. I would rather Him tell me to get on my knees nightly seeking His will for my life and desperately clinging to His provision. Before I moved to the DR, I told God to take care of a bunch of things on "my list" if He wanted me to move here. He took care of every single thing on the list without my help, at all. I wrote another list out last week and surrendered it to Him. This is Your will for my life and these are things You will "work out for the good of those that love Him and are called to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)
Lastly, we cant understand His ways (Isa 55:9). We cant say what He would ask and How He works things out. The world may disagree, but I will always choose to be obedient to what He asks me to do, if even we appear crazy and foolish, which we totally do right now. Trevor told me at dinner the other night that when I announced I was leaving COLE mid school year last year that it was the stupidest thing he had ever heard, "just finish the year out and move to the DR in the summer." He gets it now. He totally gets it now. He did the same thing and moved his family here. Jesus said FOLLOW ME (Matt 4:19) and dropped my life and left. Reminder from the Planks this week, "Follow Me" meant drop your nets and leave. Right then and there. Follow. Go. I heard a sermon this past week that said that it was a family business that you were in back then, not just a job, so Peter and Andrew not only stopped right then and there and left, but they left their family high and dry...."at once"
because Jesus said so.
Pieces of my journal this past 2 weeks:
"Sitting in my class on the verge of a God breakdown- DAY 3 of this. I know big things are ahead and this is the process to get me ready. I know I am where I am supposed to be-- even in this time of storm. I remember all of this from when He moved me to the Dominican Republic. I spoke about the story in Matthew for Bible with the kids about how God takes care of the birds and flowers, and had to tell the kids to hold on a minute as my eyes well up with tears. I know it's true for me, too. I need to believe. I come home on lunch break and cry again."
"I really cant believe this week has felt like the first move. I think this is now my life. Dying to oneself--AGAIN???? Insane! A year ago today, I was going through these same emotions."
I cannot even remember the last time I slept soundly. It was definitely before Christmas time. I wake up throughout the whole night either sick or praying incessantly. Last week I had God panic attacks, that's where those two entries, ALONG with many others came. These aren't earthly panic attacks, they are faith panic attacks. I've never had a real panic attack and my first God panic attack was when He was moving me here. Your heart races and you are just one with the Lord to help you let go of whatever He has asked of you. It is always on my knees. Good tears of wanting to let go of my life and just do His will. Literally feels like a death. My own death... to let GO. Jump, child of Mine, I have this planned out already. Just take the step! It is part of the process where He breaks you down. Literally.
Twice my roommates asked if everything was okay last week because I went to my room very early several nights in a row. Mainly because I feel crazy and God is just constantly having me surrender my will for His, which is anything but easy and always includes tears.
Heather texted me earlier today that church reminded her of me. I told her my faith is seriously sucking lately. She assured me that it is may be wavering but it doesn't suck. I could disagree with that. Love that girl. She just sent me a text that said, "Faith is knowing there is an ocean when you can only see a stream." (Hebrews 11:1) The word FAITH is everywhere. It's the word He is showing me constantly. If you read this blog enough, it is one way God speaks loudly to me. I see the same word over and over again to show me something.
I tell God just tell me the answer to ________ and He doesn't. I am thankful He doesn't. I would rather Him tell me to get on my knees nightly seeking His will for my life and desperately clinging to His provision. Before I moved to the DR, I told God to take care of a bunch of things on "my list" if He wanted me to move here. He took care of every single thing on the list without my help, at all. I wrote another list out last week and surrendered it to Him. This is Your will for my life and these are things You will "work out for the good of those that love Him and are called to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)
Lastly, we cant understand His ways (Isa 55:9). We cant say what He would ask and How He works things out. The world may disagree, but I will always choose to be obedient to what He asks me to do, if even we appear crazy and foolish, which we totally do right now. Trevor told me at dinner the other night that when I announced I was leaving COLE mid school year last year that it was the stupidest thing he had ever heard, "just finish the year out and move to the DR in the summer." He gets it now. He totally gets it now. He did the same thing and moved his family here. Jesus said FOLLOW ME (Matt 4:19) and dropped my life and left. Reminder from the Planks this week, "Follow Me" meant drop your nets and leave. Right then and there. Follow. Go. I heard a sermon this past week that said that it was a family business that you were in back then, not just a job, so Peter and Andrew not only stopped right then and there and left, but they left their family high and dry...."at once"
because Jesus said so.
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