**I wrote this blog in route to Florida last week, finally posting it this AM.
Flight to Tampa.
Last Saturday, after running the race of life, a man I loved dearly passed away. Sometimes he was called Jack, but I usually called him Dad/Padre. Around my house, he was Abuelo O. He was a father-figure I admired because unlike my loving dad, Jack was following Jesus. He was adamant to let me know I was family and to always bring needs to him. Truly comforting to know that I could run needs to him and he could figure it out. Acts church. Jack had a calmness to him. A numbers guy that was organized! Things I value, too :) (As I packed last night, I found a suitcase of his in my closet. The address label was neatly printed, laminated, and hole punched. I perched my lips to not cry, then laughed! He would! And I secretly wished I had my own!)
So cancer.
When it showed its ugly head, Jack had a vision. This was taken from his email last year:
Just wanted to give you guys some information about a dream I had July 3rd. I would have told you earlier but I guess I am still processing it. The dream lasted all night long and I could not shake it off. It was as though someone was inside my chest and stomach, manipulating and distorting in a very real and painful way. It was weird because I could not get myself out of the dream but I felt I was wide awake. The words that kept going through my mind was TOTAL SURRENDER, TOTAL HEALING in every way.
As the year pressed on, we prayed and prayed for healing on Earth. As I felt led, I'd tell Jack what I was hearing from God. Whether it be to check his unbelief or pressing on until the mountain top like Abraham, I continued to be obedient in saying what I heard God saying in my heart, pointing to healing here.
Last week as things seemed grim and I wavered, God asked me, "So, this is where your faith ends?" I was convicted. No. Circumstances don't change it. I will keep believing!
As Friday came, things went downhill so fast as the night approached. I could not understand what was happening. I continued to pray believing Dad would come out of this. God gave me dozens of visions that he was going to write a book! So how does that happen if he passes??
Let me stop here. Do not add your own thoughts. Listen to what I'm saying. I'm not against death. I'm not throwing out beliefs because someone died. That did not rock me. It is natural, and heaven is the BEST place to be. Does my heartache not to see him again, absolutely. Do I cry from sadness, absolutely. Is he healed in heaven, absolutely.
But why did the Holy Spirit give me great faith that Dad was coming out of all of this alive and healed? Anytime God has spoken to me, I stood on it, and then it came to pass. Every time. But why did something change?
I do not know.
It was not me. It truly was not "what I wanted, so I prayed it," as some could say.
I put a pot of coffee on once they arrived at the hospital to stay up through it all. Jesus reminded me that He asked the disciples to stay up and pray so that they would not be tempted. I sat on my chair reading my Bible all through the night. Praying, crying, yelling up to God. Luke was texting play by play. I highlighted scripture after scripture of God being so loud and clear pointing to hope and healing. I dated them and the time; scores of verses marked. The Bible was alive!! As I poured another coffee, I wept saying, "WE will glorify you! We will stand on this rock for years! All will know you did this!" I was so confident in healing. I was led by the Spirit in those words. (It felt exactly like the day I felt God tell me He would sell my car before moving here. Then, in the craziest way possible, a stranger called me.)
I sat on my chair and "mentally" sat next to Dad and felt prompted to whisper over and over again, "come on, Dad. Let's go. Keep going." My cheek to his chest (my chair), "we are going up. Keep going." These words just flowed from my mouth and did not feel like my own. I pictured heavens armies filling the room.
And yet. The time arrived. Dad passed away. Early morning was now here.
What happened? I don't know.
I woke up Saturday morning after an hour of sleep. I checked my phone to see if he miraculously came back.
No.
Dad died.
God died.
My faith shattered.
NOT BECAUSE someone died.
Because the Holy Spirit guided, directed, spoke, gave me verses, all these things and then what was shown didn't happen.
Broken. As if I had a hand up, "don't, God. Just don't. You are not trustworthy." (Makes me cry on the plane as I type this). "Just leave me alone. I'm done."
All in minutes, I thought, "oh my gosh, my religion doesn't even exist. Should I end my life? Because, really, if I'm not following Jesus, I'm done here. All I have known for 10 years is following the Spirit. Start running my own life now? No way. I don't even know how to go back to before Holy Spirit living. Start making my own plans?? I'll fail. I'll flounder! I don't know how!"
I went for a walk with my friend Megan. I wanted to cancel on her. I was in no shape to walk w a "casual" friend. But I decided to get up and go. As I walked to meet her, my earbuds stopped working. I didn't want to talk to God. Uh. Now I have to. No music. I kept thinking about all the times I felt like I should encourage dad. "Keep going to the mountain." I had guilt. I led him astray. But how?? There were times I felt convicted to speak up! That is straight from the Spirit. Telling me to speak out in great faith of his healing! I would tremble thinking, "I don't want to speak up about anything!" I'm too young in my faith to speak up to Dad who has been walking his whole life. Like Moses, let someone else!
I would wake up out of sleep to Bible verses on my heart that were for Dad. Nothing I was doing! Total Spirit.
I had a massive breakdown that morning. Massive.
All the things I believed seemed to be vague. How do you live if you can't trust God?? (You don't. I can't.) I said all these things and it didn't happen. It didn't make sense. All the decisions I made based on Spirit prompting were sitting before me. Here my life appears in limbo. Like believing something for so long, then thinking it isnt real.
I walked and thought, "ok, I can't start doubting my hearing of the Spirit. If I do, I'll doubt my whole walk. I did as God asked up until the minute Dad passed away." I had a confidence in that. But I was scared. I thought back to how I emailed Dad once saying, "my faith is a 10 for healing." How???? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND, but I will not doubt the Spirit directs believers. He did and He does.
Megan and I walked, I cried, her eyes filled with tears. She didn't try to say anything other than what she was led to. It was perfect. I rambled. I cried. I couldn't catch my breath, at times. When we finished, a huge weight was gone.
As she tells me my blog through God changed her life months ago, I think, "oh, how ironic, I stand before her in hysterics that I don't even know what I believe anymore and she is saying Christ in me changed her." She strongly says, "YOU DO HEAR FROM GOD!" It almost felt like a slap in the face, like, wake up!! (I needed it!)
I got at least 3 texts that day of people saying, "His ways are higher than ours," ISA 55:8. I hear you, God.
Then, my faithful follower of Christ friend Alyssa texted me. (When things are going on, I pray, "give me a person to speak Truth to me. Give me an example from the Bible.")
Moses.
He was chosen to lead God's people out of Egyptian slavery to the Promised Land God had for them. Yet, when the time came, after all the work is done, after God led, spoke, directed Moses on what to do to get them to the land, God doesn't allow him to enter the land. He dies. My old Bible note says, "that's not nice, God." You show him the land and say he can't go? I bet Moses didn't get it either. He made one mistake in following God in the wilderness, and it doesn't work out the way intended.
I can sit with this. I can live. I need to accept that I was to say as God directed and encourage Dad when He promoted. In the end, He is God.
He is faithful. He is trustworthy. He is my everything. Everything. And during this time of sadness, I could not do without the Great Comforter. Nothing feels as good as leaning my head to the wall of the shower and crying in sadness knowing that that wall is Jesus. And in my lack of understanding to His greatness, He stands with me, still. And never leaves me. Ever. Even when I say "don't come near me."
Luke prayed as we sat in a circle at Mom's house, "Thank You for taking Dad."
What a powerful prayer. Who says that??
The Holy Spirit in him can.
I'm honored to know Jack. I just wish I would have known him longer.
As Daniela says, "we will see him soon, mama. The Bible says, 'soon."
Flight to Tampa.
Last Saturday, after running the race of life, a man I loved dearly passed away. Sometimes he was called Jack, but I usually called him Dad/Padre. Around my house, he was Abuelo O. He was a father-figure I admired because unlike my loving dad, Jack was following Jesus. He was adamant to let me know I was family and to always bring needs to him. Truly comforting to know that I could run needs to him and he could figure it out. Acts church. Jack had a calmness to him. A numbers guy that was organized! Things I value, too :) (As I packed last night, I found a suitcase of his in my closet. The address label was neatly printed, laminated, and hole punched. I perched my lips to not cry, then laughed! He would! And I secretly wished I had my own!)
So cancer.
When it showed its ugly head, Jack had a vision. This was taken from his email last year:
Just wanted to give you guys some information about a dream I had July 3rd. I would have told you earlier but I guess I am still processing it. The dream lasted all night long and I could not shake it off. It was as though someone was inside my chest and stomach, manipulating and distorting in a very real and painful way. It was weird because I could not get myself out of the dream but I felt I was wide awake. The words that kept going through my mind was TOTAL SURRENDER, TOTAL HEALING in every way.
As the year pressed on, we prayed and prayed for healing on Earth. As I felt led, I'd tell Jack what I was hearing from God. Whether it be to check his unbelief or pressing on until the mountain top like Abraham, I continued to be obedient in saying what I heard God saying in my heart, pointing to healing here.
Last week as things seemed grim and I wavered, God asked me, "So, this is where your faith ends?" I was convicted. No. Circumstances don't change it. I will keep believing!
As Friday came, things went downhill so fast as the night approached. I could not understand what was happening. I continued to pray believing Dad would come out of this. God gave me dozens of visions that he was going to write a book! So how does that happen if he passes??
Let me stop here. Do not add your own thoughts. Listen to what I'm saying. I'm not against death. I'm not throwing out beliefs because someone died. That did not rock me. It is natural, and heaven is the BEST place to be. Does my heartache not to see him again, absolutely. Do I cry from sadness, absolutely. Is he healed in heaven, absolutely.
But why did the Holy Spirit give me great faith that Dad was coming out of all of this alive and healed? Anytime God has spoken to me, I stood on it, and then it came to pass. Every time. But why did something change?
I do not know.
It was not me. It truly was not "what I wanted, so I prayed it," as some could say.
I put a pot of coffee on once they arrived at the hospital to stay up through it all. Jesus reminded me that He asked the disciples to stay up and pray so that they would not be tempted. I sat on my chair reading my Bible all through the night. Praying, crying, yelling up to God. Luke was texting play by play. I highlighted scripture after scripture of God being so loud and clear pointing to hope and healing. I dated them and the time; scores of verses marked. The Bible was alive!! As I poured another coffee, I wept saying, "WE will glorify you! We will stand on this rock for years! All will know you did this!" I was so confident in healing. I was led by the Spirit in those words. (It felt exactly like the day I felt God tell me He would sell my car before moving here. Then, in the craziest way possible, a stranger called me.)
I sat on my chair and "mentally" sat next to Dad and felt prompted to whisper over and over again, "come on, Dad. Let's go. Keep going." My cheek to his chest (my chair), "we are going up. Keep going." These words just flowed from my mouth and did not feel like my own. I pictured heavens armies filling the room.
And yet. The time arrived. Dad passed away. Early morning was now here.
What happened? I don't know.
I woke up Saturday morning after an hour of sleep. I checked my phone to see if he miraculously came back.
No.
Dad died.
God died.
My faith shattered.
NOT BECAUSE someone died.
Because the Holy Spirit guided, directed, spoke, gave me verses, all these things and then what was shown didn't happen.
Broken. As if I had a hand up, "don't, God. Just don't. You are not trustworthy." (Makes me cry on the plane as I type this). "Just leave me alone. I'm done."
All in minutes, I thought, "oh my gosh, my religion doesn't even exist. Should I end my life? Because, really, if I'm not following Jesus, I'm done here. All I have known for 10 years is following the Spirit. Start running my own life now? No way. I don't even know how to go back to before Holy Spirit living. Start making my own plans?? I'll fail. I'll flounder! I don't know how!"
I went for a walk with my friend Megan. I wanted to cancel on her. I was in no shape to walk w a "casual" friend. But I decided to get up and go. As I walked to meet her, my earbuds stopped working. I didn't want to talk to God. Uh. Now I have to. No music. I kept thinking about all the times I felt like I should encourage dad. "Keep going to the mountain." I had guilt. I led him astray. But how?? There were times I felt convicted to speak up! That is straight from the Spirit. Telling me to speak out in great faith of his healing! I would tremble thinking, "I don't want to speak up about anything!" I'm too young in my faith to speak up to Dad who has been walking his whole life. Like Moses, let someone else!
I would wake up out of sleep to Bible verses on my heart that were for Dad. Nothing I was doing! Total Spirit.
I had a massive breakdown that morning. Massive.
All the things I believed seemed to be vague. How do you live if you can't trust God?? (You don't. I can't.) I said all these things and it didn't happen. It didn't make sense. All the decisions I made based on Spirit prompting were sitting before me. Here my life appears in limbo. Like believing something for so long, then thinking it isnt real.
I walked and thought, "ok, I can't start doubting my hearing of the Spirit. If I do, I'll doubt my whole walk. I did as God asked up until the minute Dad passed away." I had a confidence in that. But I was scared. I thought back to how I emailed Dad once saying, "my faith is a 10 for healing." How???? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND, but I will not doubt the Spirit directs believers. He did and He does.
Megan and I walked, I cried, her eyes filled with tears. She didn't try to say anything other than what she was led to. It was perfect. I rambled. I cried. I couldn't catch my breath, at times. When we finished, a huge weight was gone.
As she tells me my blog through God changed her life months ago, I think, "oh, how ironic, I stand before her in hysterics that I don't even know what I believe anymore and she is saying Christ in me changed her." She strongly says, "YOU DO HEAR FROM GOD!" It almost felt like a slap in the face, like, wake up!! (I needed it!)
I got at least 3 texts that day of people saying, "His ways are higher than ours," ISA 55:8. I hear you, God.
Then, my faithful follower of Christ friend Alyssa texted me. (When things are going on, I pray, "give me a person to speak Truth to me. Give me an example from the Bible.")
Moses.
He was chosen to lead God's people out of Egyptian slavery to the Promised Land God had for them. Yet, when the time came, after all the work is done, after God led, spoke, directed Moses on what to do to get them to the land, God doesn't allow him to enter the land. He dies. My old Bible note says, "that's not nice, God." You show him the land and say he can't go? I bet Moses didn't get it either. He made one mistake in following God in the wilderness, and it doesn't work out the way intended.
I can sit with this. I can live. I need to accept that I was to say as God directed and encourage Dad when He promoted. In the end, He is God.
He is faithful. He is trustworthy. He is my everything. Everything. And during this time of sadness, I could not do without the Great Comforter. Nothing feels as good as leaning my head to the wall of the shower and crying in sadness knowing that that wall is Jesus. And in my lack of understanding to His greatness, He stands with me, still. And never leaves me. Ever. Even when I say "don't come near me."
Luke prayed as we sat in a circle at Mom's house, "Thank You for taking Dad."
What a powerful prayer. Who says that??
The Holy Spirit in him can.
I'm honored to know Jack. I just wish I would have known him longer.
As Daniela says, "we will see him soon, mama. The Bible says, 'soon."
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