Catalyst: Heather Buell

8:13 PM
(We do not participate in the Daylight Savings Time.  Stinkin' sweet, I tell ya)

So today is my friend Heather's birthday.  I woke up at 5:45AM.  It is one of those dates you do not forget and you know exactly when it is and how many more days until it is here.  Sorta like you do with your own birthday.

(I wrote that on the 5th, now I am finishing this tonight on the 7th.  I have been a little sick lately with my stomach.  I'm not too sure what it is, but I hope it leaves my body soon.  If not, I better lose weight from this organism that has taken up residency in my body.)

My birthday is Oct 22, then Heather's is 2 weeks later, then her death anniversary is 2 weeks after that.  We were bff's since we were in junior high.  Her death was a turning point in my life.  If there was a line were my "time-line" was cut by a single event in my history, it would be her death.  It was the most devastating news I had ever received.   Oh, you know your highschool friends and how you just love them like sisters.  Real sisters.  That was Heather.  Years of giggles and inside jokes and fun!

So, I had just moved to FL on Halloween soon after my 21st, and flew to California a few weeks later to go to a Marine Ball with my bff Ben.  I got home from Orlando airport and got into bed on November 20th, 2001.  I had just fallen asleep when Mom came in and said, "Renee has been trying to reach you, Heather died."

What?

What does that even mean?

I was physically sick.  I got out of bed and, of course, called Michael.  I immediately had to do laundry from my trip to Cali and get my butt on a plane to NY state, pronto.  My mom had ran errands, so I was alone in the house while Dad slept.  I walked to the washer in a daze.  When I got to the washer, I could no longer physically stand up, and my knees buckled and I hit the floor in hysterics to God.  To a God I wasnt even sure existed.  I prayed to Him when I was about to get into trouble or hoping I could get out of trouble.  I prayed when people were sick and needed to be healed.

So, when I needed something, I called upon this God.  The one I wasn't sure was listening...if He was in fact real.  I don't know why I called Him, but I did.  I sobbed on the floor and asked Him to "PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME.  Please!  I cannot do this alone. I need You!"

I got up after I doubled over with my head on the floor crying and wailing in hysterics.  I couldnt catch my breath.  I was pretty sure I was going to die of sadness.  I finished the laundry sobbing.  I got in the shower and I felt as if someone punched me in the stomach and my knees buckled. Again.  I fell to my knees crying hysterically, "Oh, please God, I cannot do this.  If you are real, I need you to help me!"  I talked to God and Heather in the shower as I was doubled over on the floor crying with the water just falling on my limp body. 

I seriously felt crazy after her death.  I was crazy.  I would audibly talk to her all the time.  So many crazy things happened after she passed and they were all signs from her.  We wore blue ribbons (baby blue in the shape of awareness ribbons) and blue butterflies to represent her passing and in remembrance.  These things showed up everywhere!  Even in my hotel in the hidden mountains of Greece and the streets of London!!  Jackie and I walked into our hotel in Greece and there someone happened to have left a blue butterfly towel!  I still have it in a box.  I saved it, of course.  I found the same blue ribbon I wore for her in NY, in my FL house.  It was brand new..there was no ribbon in that house.  Where it came from, I have no idea.  I also had a shiver down my spine one day as I got out of the shower and I looked down and a blue rubberband was the all tangled up and was exactly like a ribbon shape.  Once again, I didnt have any blue rubberbands.

Black cats were a symbol of her too and they were everywhere.  I was once lost driving in Florida trying to get to this bar my friend Kenny was playing at and said, "Send me a black cat, Heather, if this is the right way!"  I saw a black cat and then the bar was up ahead, of course.

I have hundreds of stories, so do the Buells.  Hundreds.

Jared, her brother, called me one night and we chatted for a while reminiscing.  I hung up with him as I sat on the front porch and started to sob.  I was so mad at her for dying.  I was at that state of grieving.  Livid.  Yelling at her.  I heard her VOICE CLEAR AS DAY.  "I am here." I JUMPED UP.  My crying ceased!! I picked up the phone to see if Jare was there.  Nope.  I went inside.  I know I heard her.  I'll tell you right now years later, I heard her voice.

Storied upon stories of crazy things, but

I am very tired from not eating much the last 2 days, so I will finish this tomorrow.  It is already 9PM and I need to get to sleep.  Okay, so I slept most of the day the last 48hrs, but I'm exhausted.

I just want to add that I got in the shower very early this past Monday, November 5th, and asked God, "If I could see a ribbon today, it would be cool.  If not, no big deal."  As I hiked Mogote mountain in the Dominican Republic on her birthday,  I looked down at the PRECISE moment to see a ribbon on the ground in the shape of Heather's ribbons.

I smiled, and then pressed my lips together as I let some quick tears fill my eyes, making sure they didn't slip out and be seen.  (Thanks, God, for sending that today :)  Happy birthday, Heather!!

To be continued....