Salvation is Once and Forever. Surrender is Daily.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Started on break at school for PE/ART

11:21AM

The last few days I have been so off.    God and I were off for a few days.  He is never off.  I was off. There are so many celebrations going on at home this past week with birthdays and graduations, and I just wanted to be home in FL this week.   As Heather texted me Saturday that she was having a great time at Linds and Luke’s surprise birthday party, my heart sank a little.  All of my friends are gathering for a dinner and I am not there.  Uh.  It didn’t even make sense.  I am not sociable by any means, but when all my friends are together, I am in.  Not that night.  Hmm.  Then Sunday, church was incredible with baptisms and the Ostberg’s speaking with Pastor Timm.  Once again, not there. 

Today Heather graduates and I so wish I could be there.  I crawled in bed Saturday night and my first real tears fell.  A little home-sick.  Wow, first taste of that. Not a want to stay in FL, just to beam back there for the week to be a part of it all and see these incredible milestones.  So, I just let those tears flow.  I wiped some and let the others just stream down my temples to absorb in my hair as I prayed to God that I love Him so much and this is exactly where I want to be, yet today I just want Him to let me be.  Let me complain (nice way of putting it) and ignore me at the same time, God.  Let me just lay here and pour my heart out to You, Lord, even if I am above and beyond talking crap to the Lord of the Universe.  He let’s me.  I don’t even ask Him to calm me because I would rather let the tears flow.  So, there was this pull to be back in my comfort zone, home.  USA.  I still don’t believe I don’t live there anymore.  I still feel like I may never call that home again.

So Sunday morning comes and I wake up at 7:30AM.  Made some coffee and prayed/talked with God for a while asking Him to strip Naomi and Luke of themselves for this sermon that would be starting in a few hours.  Speak for them, Lord.  SHINE through them.  Say what You want to say using them.  If they try to control the sermon, don’t let them.  Let all their words be of You.  On and off, I prayed this Romans 8:26 prayer of rambles that I don’t know what the heck I’m saying but just letting the HS do it for me.  Constantly reminding God that He told Moses that He would speak for Him in Exodus 4:11-12.  My Bible has 2/16/12 written next to this verse.  This is the verse God told me when I told Him to speak for me in my phone interview to the school I work at now.  I was hired after I told the school, “I can’t tell you that I want to move to your country, let alone that I want to work at your school.  I am just following the Lord where He tells me to go.  I love my school, team, and class.  I would prefer to stay here, I am very happy here.”  They hired me even though I told them I didn’t want to work there in my interview with the Director.  What the heck, God!!??  :) 

So I tell roomie to pray for them this morning.  We get a moto to church and I pray a few times on the way there.  I pray before service starts.  I feel like God has got to be sick of hearing this prayer, yet He prompts the HS to keep praying it over and over again in me, so I do. 

Church starts.  For the first time at church, I saw the Everything Skit to some Lighthouse song that is incredible.  We had visitors at church, a US college in Michigan.  All morning I am just saturated in the HS and I realize, I need to just give up all this crap I’m dwelling on and ask to be stripped too this morning.  Freaking remove all this crap from me, God.  Ugh, how we seem to meet at this place, again.   All the things on my timeline, the Lord isn’t completing.  Removing some things in my immediate path and adding a few.  I like to play give one take one with God.  Hey, Buddy, I did this…  Now, I get a request??  Maybe.    I watched the skit and realized it is this constant pull coming from the world.   I want nothing more than to follow the Lord and what He says is my next step.  Trusting in Him alone.  Yet, I get caught up in this world and how people don’t live relying on Him for everything.  “You’re all I want. You are all I need. You’re everything.  You’re everything.”  Repeating in lyrics and faster… “How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You!  Would You tell me how could it be any better than this!”  All I can do is let tears flow.  Holy Spirit tears this time.  Wrapped in a love that is ineffable.  You are incredible, Lord.  And the craziest part is I get to be a part of this plan you are making a masterpiece out of it to glorify YOU, even if I don’t understand Your mighty ways (Isa 55:8-9).. even if I want to still hold onto a life I wanted/want to direct and lead with my selfish desires and wants. 

Luke said in service yesterday that “salvation is once and forever.  Surrender is daily.”  Nice job on that, God.  Way to speak that to them through Luke, Papa.  Then it hit me yesterday.  He was talking to me, too.  Oh. That is the problem.  Daily.  Today.  Right now.  I got in bed last night and I had, yet again, tears flowing on my temples.  Good tears.  Like if you have never felt the love of Christ like this, tell Him right this second you want it!!  You’re missing out on the best. 

So I was texting Nay at like 11PM telling her that I am in awe of how He takes care of me.  How could I ever want anything else?  How do I dwell on America?  I do not worry in this place.  Coming to Christ, surrendering to coming here, and then moving here were the best decisions I ever made. 

His path is different. 

I couldn’t even explain it to her.  I told her she will just have to see when she gets here what I mean when you take that leap of faith that He will do what He says He will.  I never have to worry about what I am doing tomorrow, next year, in 5 years.   I handed this life to God.  Consequences from here on out are His to claim as I follow Him.  I don’t need to figure it out, He will.  He spoke clearly for weeks to get me here, I am going where He tells me to.

I will continue to struggle living in this world, but I tell God to remind me how freaking sweet it is under His umbrella and I smile this crap-eating grin cause I know very well what that means :)  It cant be any better than this!!

I told Nay, “I am excited I get to be SECURED in His protection to carry out His plans.  Never felt that before HERE.”   Everyone knows I was like day/night when I accepted Christ as Savior.  I‘ve known HIM for years now.   Like Nay said in the sermon, “I just know Him differently now and I don’t ever want to go back. If anything, I wish I did it sooner.”  Ahhhhhhhh, Amen, sister.

Naomi asked if I was just feeling this secure feeling now, tonight?  I said no.  Since I got on that plane in MIA to come to Santiago.  Getting on that plane, I changed.

Life changed.