I Will Not Go to Africa

I planned on writing an entry tonight.  I scribbled down ideas as the night progressed without power with a candle for some light, then never got around to doing it.  So, here it is almost 2AM and I am writing one that has nothing to do with any of my little notes. 

Instead, I crawled into bed to read some of my book Passport Into Darkness:  A True Story of Danger and Second Chances. And, now it has caused this blog entry. 

Today, I decided to jump on a moto over to the pool alone (such a blessing that JCS staff has free access to this pool, especially when our power is out for the majority of the day and we are sweating!) to read in the comfort of the daylight.  Luke told me when they got to the pool later that he has read about half of it.  I barely got off the first 2 pages because every time I crawl into bed, I can't bring myself to read those pages in the dark.  Tonight, I decided to keep reading to catch up. 

The book is about this mother/wife that was "climbing the ladder" in her successful American Dream life, and then God sends her to Sudan to battle trafficking.  She speaks about how she has never wanted to go to Africa; how it actually freaked her out to even consider it. 

Ohhht.

That is me. 

Africa.freaks.me.out. 

I joke with Naomi and Luke about it, but it seriously makes me freak in my head.  I tell God all the time,  "Thanks for not sending me to Africa," when I hear stories about it.  As I layed in bed, I realized I need to hand that over to Him.  Even if He never sends me there, I need to let it go.  Surrender is soooooooo hard and I am not a fan of it. So i roll over in bed, tears on my temples, and spread my arms out wide like the cross (I dont know why I do this, it just usually what happens when I am surrendering an aspect of life).

I will always go wherever He leads.  It is what I WANT to do even if IT FREAKS ME OUT. (Why does that make me choke up and make my eyes tear up just typing it?  I actually know why.  I don't like telling God I don't want to do something He might ask of me.)

 ::deep breath and slow release::

Earlier today, I was such a brat to God.  Totally complaining about something so ridiculous, so ridiculous that I don't want to admit it and how selfish it is compared to this world. I actually started an email to my Jesus Group girls in FL asking for prayers for it because I swore "God wants me to keel over and die" keeping me single this long.  This is a better way of putting it.  God got the raw side of it and it wasn't pretty in the words I used on top of that "keeling over" BS.  I never sent the email. 

Then, I get into bed and read the most horrific story about this woman named Rebekah that was running from the Janjaweed gangs in Sudan and had to leave her "2 rainy seasons old" baby behind because he was shot in a raid while her daughter tried to get him to safety.  Her daughter was caught and maliciously gang-raped feet in front of her but she couldn't do anything or her other baby, on her back, would be killed, too, so she laid there quietly in the tall grass.  Little did she know that when she could finally feed her baby again, he was already dead.  He was shot while she was running for her life amongst the bombs and fires.  She couldn't bury him properly because they were still hiding and making little moment.  She said she knew he wasn't alone and that the hyenas would get him soon.  Rebekah said that they gang-rape the women and then continue to use sticks to rape them and rip out their "womanhood," so they could no longer make Christian babies.  She stayed low for days without food and water, watching people around her dying at the hands of starvation and the Janjaweed.

I got up out of bed.  Spoke audibly to God that I can't handle knowing this is real!  That this is His world and to FIX IT! and headed to the bathroom to pee.  Sitting there I put my elbows on my knees and my hands on my cheeks and wept.  Living a celibate lifestyle is nothing compared to what others endure in this world.  I am ashamed at how ridiculous I can be.  What the heck am I complaining "isnt fair???"

This woman's story is horrific.  What are we doing as Christians to alleviate this?  Not just this, freaking everything.  We get so caught up in this life we are building that we ignore so much that is even happening in our own country, so that we aren't bothered.  Throw me in there.  I suck at life, too.

I don't realize what is going on out "there."  Or do I?  I read it and tomorrow or the next day, I will be back to day-to-day business.  I dont want to do that.  This isnt the first time I have heard of such things.

I would be lying if I said I didn't tell God that I would rather not know about this "other world."  I would be lying if I didn't ask God to go back to America and just do whatever the heck I feel like doing. 

I do. I have. 

We, Him and I, are working through this.  Preparing us for what He has to come to do His work.   God told me that He does not waste time.  Charles Stanley told me yesterday that God said it, too.  Just in case I wasnt sure if it was God, He had Stanley tell me again!!:)  When He gets us ready, then we will be ready.  I am not ready.  Yet.  I will be when He is done molding.  More on that tomorrow or something. 

I've got to get back to my book that I dont want to read and don't want to know about. 

I still don't ever WANT to go to Africa.   And, it makes me tremble to admit to God that I will if He Wills.