My week has been INSANE and you are getting another blog about it.
Let me clarify something from my heart because a private message this week on Facebook led me to believe maybe my life seems to be different because of who I am. Nope. What you see going on in my life is available to anyone in Christ. I share these things God does in my life because 1. He tells me to do it. Everything comes from Him and is for His glory. No one can work miracles like this Guy. 2. If I do not share what God is doing in my life, you won't know about His power and authority. Just as I was growing in Christ and looked around for people to show me who this "God" was, so I allow God to use my life to show others WHO He is and what He is capable of through His kids. I suck at life just as much as the next person, but my heart is devoted to Christ. I strive to have nothing come before Him, so He can use me. I screw up. I complain. I miss Florida. I hate not having my FL friends here. I grumble. I cry. I miss English church terribly. I hate this place some days...but I love Jesus Christ (smiling as I typed that). HE makes me awesome. My joy comes straight from the Big Man Upstairs. <3 There is way more to the Christian life than most have experienced. God's promises are for ALL of those that have Christ.
For about 2 weeks now I haven't heard a word from God. To some that may not sound like a big deal. To me, it is frightening. I have continued to read my Bible daily and talk to Him. No words back. The odd part is that I still get filled with the over-flowing love that makes you cry in praise, I feel His presence when I am talking, and He is answering prayers left and right...but no words. No flowing wisdom coming from my Spirit. WHAT IS GOING ON?? I have never had this before. I mean I did when I wasn't a mature Christian, but it didn't matter because I didn't know what it was like. Usually silence means everything goes off, and I gotta fix some things in my life, move priorities around, etc. This time it is different. And, so, well, it needs to end. I didn't want to blog about it 'cause I have no idea what is going on! But I suppose you need to read about this side of it, too.
So I crawled into bed 3 nights ago and said, "Uh, God, hey. You mad at me?" I know it may seem ridiculous but every time I prayed... it kept coming out and I would even tell myself shut up, no. I know I have no bitterness, no unforgiveness, no nada, what is the deal? I would keep telling God, "Hey, convict me, show me what you need me to change, what is not pleasing to you?" But, I knew there was nothing there. I could/can stand before Him clean in heart...sooooo what is going on? He continues to show up in miraculous ways like all this... However, no words for now.
So, after waiting about a month for a washer machine (I got the donation from Meredith who felt compelled by God to give up some income tax moola in church one day. I felt a pause on purchasing). Then, He finally gave me one. I DO NOT like people showing up unannounced and I don't like last minute anything, so it is so uncharacteristic of me to do it to others, but we decided to ride out to the person's house last Friday that was selling one. He was there and the deal was done. I got it for dirt cheap and...IT WAS AMERICAN. Ridiculous. Unless you live here, you don't get how much a big deal it is that I got a USA washer for dirt cheap. As Luke put it in the truck a person pulled up to purchase it. We were divinely there at the right time. I could not believe He would give me such a prayer. So then the flight madness happened. If you missed it, check this out.
So I've had a few days off because Nay had family in town. Monday I laid at the pool. I was thankful to be alone with God. I hoped He would speak. As I looked into the sky talking my head off pleading to GOD FOR A WORD or two, I see a heart shaped cloud. Like a HUGE ONE. I thanked Him for it. Thanked Him for His love. I talked to Him about the cloud for a few minutes. I stared at it until it dissipated. Mesmerized He would send it just for me. So, what is the big deal? I am scrolling for a verse for the FIGHT site and I see this tonight, which stops me dead in my tracks.
This is literally the same exact cloud I saw. The center was opening just like this. My heart literally stopped when I saw this. I sat back in my chair and tears welled up. I said, "okkkkay, now talk." Nothing.
Yesterday I was texting a friend and told her how I can't hear God lately and she said:
I NEVER TOLD HER I had been crawling into bed the last few nights asking God if He was mad at me. She freaked me out. He freaks me out.
And more. So, another thing on my prayer list was some clothes. My girls save me clothes/shoes every year that they don't want. I had not mentioned to anyone yet to save me stuff, but Jessica messaged me a few days ago and said, "hey, my hubby was nice and bought me some clothes at the thrift store....and HE bought you some." Crazy part is he told the cashier my line of work and she said "oh, her clothes can be free." What!? Why! NO ONE asked him to buy me clothes and honestly, I have only met her hubby a time or two, we are not close. Doesn't make any sense.
After my last post, someone asked if she could help out. Another answer to my prayer. Someone I had no idea read my blogs. What. I thanked God for all this and nothing in response. No bible verses come to mind, no words to show me understanding.
I woke up to a voice that sounded like Luke's at like 6:18AM today, saying get up and read. Why didn't God use His own voice? Oh, that's right, He aint talking. OK! I got my butt out on the porch with my Bible and I stayed there until 11:30AM. Determined to hear SOMETHING. Guess what? I got nothing. BAHAH. I can laugh now but I told Dana, I am thankful for the gifts, but I miss my BFF (Jesus). :( It is like someone giving you gifts showing love, but not talking to you. Just sitting there looking at you.
Yes, God speaks in many ways. Yes, all this is God speaking. But I mean no disrespect to other Christians when I say until you come into a close relationship with Christ, you may not know my emptiness to not being able to hear Him speak words in my Spirit. I have decided to accept I am in some season that I have never been in, but I will wait it out. I know some thing is going on, I can feel it. I know He is growing ME BIG TIME right now and I will continue to seek Him. Read, read, and read. Seek, seek, seek. Yell, yell, yell. Joking not joking.
I have a little notebook that I keep to remind me of things He does to take of me and in case I ever die of things God does to prove He is real :) Tonight it said a little verse: Romans 8:38-39 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I totally know this is true. I may feel abandoned at times, but that is not Truth. I thank God for not talking to me right now. I do not understand it and I dislike it, but I know when it is over, I will have drawn so close to Him and grown spiritually. That is pretty cool to think about. Thank you, God, for understanding me and what I need to follow You.
If you wouldn't mind, tonight, I ask if you would lift me up in prayer for acceptance of the silence and a steadfast heart to keep reading and seeking without becoming discouraged or heavy-hearted. Also, maybe all 100 of you that read my blog could throw up some prayers for that future hubby and throw maybe the word "soon" in there, too. Matthew says were 2 or more or 100?? gather to pray in His name, He is there. I love using that verse :) It was the very first Bible verse I memorized and repeated to someone else in need. I remember thinking OH MY GOSH, I know a Bible verse! I went home that night and wrote it down in such awe that I knew one.
Let me clarify something from my heart because a private message this week on Facebook led me to believe maybe my life seems to be different because of who I am. Nope. What you see going on in my life is available to anyone in Christ. I share these things God does in my life because 1. He tells me to do it. Everything comes from Him and is for His glory. No one can work miracles like this Guy. 2. If I do not share what God is doing in my life, you won't know about His power and authority. Just as I was growing in Christ and looked around for people to show me who this "God" was, so I allow God to use my life to show others WHO He is and what He is capable of through His kids. I suck at life just as much as the next person, but my heart is devoted to Christ. I strive to have nothing come before Him, so He can use me. I screw up. I complain. I miss Florida. I hate not having my FL friends here. I grumble. I cry. I miss English church terribly. I hate this place some days...but I love Jesus Christ (smiling as I typed that). HE makes me awesome. My joy comes straight from the Big Man Upstairs. <3 There is way more to the Christian life than most have experienced. God's promises are for ALL of those that have Christ.
For about 2 weeks now I haven't heard a word from God. To some that may not sound like a big deal. To me, it is frightening. I have continued to read my Bible daily and talk to Him. No words back. The odd part is that I still get filled with the over-flowing love that makes you cry in praise, I feel His presence when I am talking, and He is answering prayers left and right...but no words. No flowing wisdom coming from my Spirit. WHAT IS GOING ON?? I have never had this before. I mean I did when I wasn't a mature Christian, but it didn't matter because I didn't know what it was like. Usually silence means everything goes off, and I gotta fix some things in my life, move priorities around, etc. This time it is different. And, so, well, it needs to end. I didn't want to blog about it 'cause I have no idea what is going on! But I suppose you need to read about this side of it, too.
So I crawled into bed 3 nights ago and said, "Uh, God, hey. You mad at me?" I know it may seem ridiculous but every time I prayed... it kept coming out and I would even tell myself shut up, no. I know I have no bitterness, no unforgiveness, no nada, what is the deal? I would keep telling God, "Hey, convict me, show me what you need me to change, what is not pleasing to you?" But, I knew there was nothing there. I could/can stand before Him clean in heart...sooooo what is going on? He continues to show up in miraculous ways like all this... However, no words for now.
So, after waiting about a month for a washer machine (I got the donation from Meredith who felt compelled by God to give up some income tax moola in church one day. I felt a pause on purchasing). Then, He finally gave me one. I DO NOT like people showing up unannounced and I don't like last minute anything, so it is so uncharacteristic of me to do it to others, but we decided to ride out to the person's house last Friday that was selling one. He was there and the deal was done. I got it for dirt cheap and...IT WAS AMERICAN. Ridiculous. Unless you live here, you don't get how much a big deal it is that I got a USA washer for dirt cheap. As Luke put it in the truck a person pulled up to purchase it. We were divinely there at the right time. I could not believe He would give me such a prayer. So then the flight madness happened. If you missed it, check this out.
So I've had a few days off because Nay had family in town. Monday I laid at the pool. I was thankful to be alone with God. I hoped He would speak. As I looked into the sky talking my head off pleading to GOD FOR A WORD or two, I see a heart shaped cloud. Like a HUGE ONE. I thanked Him for it. Thanked Him for His love. I talked to Him about the cloud for a few minutes. I stared at it until it dissipated. Mesmerized He would send it just for me. So, what is the big deal? I am scrolling for a verse for the FIGHT site and I see this tonight, which stops me dead in my tracks.
Yesterday I was texting a friend and told her how I can't hear God lately and she said:
I NEVER TOLD HER I had been crawling into bed the last few nights asking God if He was mad at me. She freaked me out. He freaks me out.
And more. So, another thing on my prayer list was some clothes. My girls save me clothes/shoes every year that they don't want. I had not mentioned to anyone yet to save me stuff, but Jessica messaged me a few days ago and said, "hey, my hubby was nice and bought me some clothes at the thrift store....and HE bought you some." Crazy part is he told the cashier my line of work and she said "oh, her clothes can be free." What!? Why! NO ONE asked him to buy me clothes and honestly, I have only met her hubby a time or two, we are not close. Doesn't make any sense.
After my last post, someone asked if she could help out. Another answer to my prayer. Someone I had no idea read my blogs. What. I thanked God for all this and nothing in response. No bible verses come to mind, no words to show me understanding.
I woke up to a voice that sounded like Luke's at like 6:18AM today, saying get up and read. Why didn't God use His own voice? Oh, that's right, He aint talking. OK! I got my butt out on the porch with my Bible and I stayed there until 11:30AM. Determined to hear SOMETHING. Guess what? I got nothing. BAHAH. I can laugh now but I told Dana, I am thankful for the gifts, but I miss my BFF (Jesus). :( It is like someone giving you gifts showing love, but not talking to you. Just sitting there looking at you.
Yes, God speaks in many ways. Yes, all this is God speaking. But I mean no disrespect to other Christians when I say until you come into a close relationship with Christ, you may not know my emptiness to not being able to hear Him speak words in my Spirit. I have decided to accept I am in some season that I have never been in, but I will wait it out. I know some thing is going on, I can feel it. I know He is growing ME BIG TIME right now and I will continue to seek Him. Read, read, and read. Seek, seek, seek. Yell, yell, yell. Joking not joking.
I have a little notebook that I keep to remind me of things He does to take of me and in case I ever die of things God does to prove He is real :) Tonight it said a little verse: Romans 8:38-39 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I totally know this is true. I may feel abandoned at times, but that is not Truth. I thank God for not talking to me right now. I do not understand it and I dislike it, but I know when it is over, I will have drawn so close to Him and grown spiritually. That is pretty cool to think about. Thank you, God, for understanding me and what I need to follow You.
If you wouldn't mind, tonight, I ask if you would lift me up in prayer for acceptance of the silence and a steadfast heart to keep reading and seeking without becoming discouraged or heavy-hearted. Also, maybe all 100 of you that read my blog could throw up some prayers for that future hubby and throw maybe the word "soon" in there, too. Matthew says were 2 or more or 100?? gather to pray in His name, He is there. I love using that verse :) It was the very first Bible verse I memorized and repeated to someone else in need. I remember thinking OH MY GOSH, I know a Bible verse! I went home that night and wrote it down in such awe that I knew one.
Thank you for sharing you stories, struggles, and triumphs. I often get caught up in a God can't possibly use someone as flawed as me to do his work. I still slip and cuss more than I care to admit, yell at my over active 5 year old because my patience is never enough, and just fail miserably at being a GOOD Christian. Reading your blog reminds me that I don't have to be the perfect Christian to do God's work. (That sounds terrible, like I am saying you are a bad Christian, but I know, hope, you get what I am saying). I will pray for you today and tonight . . .future hubby and all!
ReplyDeleteWill be sending up prayers....stay positive! I know you can!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mer! No, I agree. I could tell you stories about my life and He still used/uses me! We all have room for improvement, for sure. Choose to follow Him and pray for Him to change us...the devil would love to see us discouraged and unusable. Press on, sister! Thanks, Pesack!! I appreciate your never ending prayers!
ReplyDelete