I weigh 143, I think.

I remember when I moved here, God said I was going to be brutally honest sometimes in what He asks me to write about with my faith, Jesus, my walk, and life.  I had given in by then.  I told this story to my BFF yesterday and felt encouraged to share.  I have held onto this blog all day because I do not want to post it.  I also don't want to disobey what He asks of me... even when it makes me a little uncomfortable to be this honest with the world.

One thing I love about Jesus is the power of surrendering things.  He shows you something in your life and you are given the ability to be released from the pressure/bondage of it. Well, if you hand it over.  Sometimes, IT may involve worry, anxiety, control, habit, and it always includes selfishness.  We are humans.  It is our nature.  Then, we meet Christ and realize we are not the center.  Nothing is about me.  So I pray, show me what You want me to change, to make me a better me.  Clear me of things that take up space and do not honor You. 

Earlier this week, I had a bug bite on my upper thigh, close to my booty.  I was trying to see what was going on in the mirror and as I lifted my leg I noticed a huge muscle in my booty.  I was shocked.  I have been working out for weeks trying to increase my distance in jogging, and really, I have always worked out on and off since I was 15.  It wasn’t until I surrendered working out a few years ago that I really started to enjoy it and actually wanted to do it.  It was a chore.  I find it to be some of my best “God time” now.

So, there is this muscle I had never seen before.  Then, as I put my leg back down, I noticed that beautiful line that divides my quads and hamstrings.  It’s been a while since I have seen that lovely line!  I was so proud.  All my hard work…paying off.  Then, I was wearing a tank top around the house the other day and passed a mirror, I saw muscles in my back I had never seen before either.  I just felt so good.  This week I had jogged further than I have ever and decreased my time.  I had been complimenting my body with every jog, ‘cause, seriously, that is a feat for me. I thought, goodness I can feel I’ve lost weight.  I just feel so good.

THEN.

I popped on the scale the next day, like I do daily and it was up.  It’s been stuck at the same number for weeks!  Now, up 3 lbs.  Here. We. Go. Again.  I stepped off of it and thought.  HOW??  Why do I even bother to work out?!!  So discouraged.  Like a heavy weight of seriously, why do I bother!?  I had so much emotion into the number that was on the scale.  TOO much emotion.  Not obsessed like it consumes my thoughts and life, but more like it had the power to turn a good day into a crappy day. I think body issues come in different ways to surrender.  I surrendered my obsession with food last year.  I never binge and I never intentionally skip meals, starve.  I haven’t felt guilt about a single piece of food that has gone in my mouth since.  Which is a bit insane because I use to always think later, Why did you eat those!  I do not swear off any food either; that tells me I don’t have control of it, and I know a fruit of the Spirit is self control (Gal 5:22) I want that.  So, I just like weighing myself daily to stay in control... But I realized I am not in control if I need the scale to tell me daily.  And daily isn’t accurate.  It also discourages my efforts.  It makes me fed up with working out and causes me to want to quit.  I work out because I want to be healthy.  I backed away and kept starring at the scale, like a nutcase, really :).  How can I look down and be so proud of this body, and love it (I really do!) and yet be so discouraged to not want to bother working out anymore?  It made no sense to me.  My thoughts and they made no sense at all.   If society says I need to weigh between this and that, then I need to be that to be acceptable in appearance? Not TRUE.  I know that isn’t true because I love me, so why am I sitting here so discouraged?  I am trying to fit in a category that I do not agree with and don’t believe is accurate.   It was time. 

I looked at the scale and mentally picked it up and said calmly, “God, this is yours. Take it. I don’t want this friggen thing anymore.” I am a very visual person and when I surrender, I do it visually as well.

Holy flipping pancakes is that freeing.  I have no idea what I weigh today and I don’t care!  You think that isn’t a big deal, but it truly is insane that I haven’t weighed in 2 days now. Wooo hooo, I was washing my belly in the shower and thought, you look flatter today!  Way to go!  Free!

However, I did get out of the shower and think, oh, just weigh yourself.  Just check.  But I chose not to.  It doesn’t matter what number I am today.  Listen, I am not completely giving up the scale.   I am not telling you to give up your scale. I am saying God wanted me to give up the control over the scale.  I don’t want to not be able to ever weigh either, that makes it just as controlling to me to not do something at all.   I want to definitely track my weight loss, but it isn’t going to defeat me to see what number I am.  I surrendered my body a few years ago, too.  This is mine and I seriously love every single part of it.  It’s beautiful.  Even if the BMI says I am overweight and actually dangerously close to obesity if I gained a few more pounds, I am not identified by a number or a dress size.  This body is mine, belongs to Jesus, and I love it.  A lot.  The day I took on His identity is when I realized I am only what He tells me I am. Does He want me to have self-control, yes.  Does He want me to fit into a size 3-4, no.  I don’t think He cares.  I find myself asking Him that a lot lately.:  What do You think of this or that?  If it isn’t pleasing, I am bringing it to Him to change. The devil is the father of lies (John 8:44).  It would love for me to quit working out and have a bad self-image, and then attack me even more with lies of defeat. 

Yesterday, I left a handful of fries on my plate at lunch.   I have never done that before.  Isnt it odd, I surrendered the control of the scale and for some reason, a life long habit of clearing my plate was all of a sudden easy to change?  I didn’t plan on leaving the fries, I just didn’t want anymore and I didn’t feel like I HAD to eat them all or I would be wasting food.

A couple years ago, I came back from Honduras and I felt so convicted that I was spending several hundred dollars a year on acne products with Proactiv when I could be sponsoring several more kids to go to school monthly.  A BFF of mine said, I wonder if you surrender the acne wash, what would happen?  Okay, I will obey.  I cancelled the monthly product.  I haven’t battled adult acne since.

What do you need to surrender? 

What consumes you the most during the day...more than God and His Kingdom?

Be BOLD this week and ask Him.  He will show you, but I bet you already know.

K, Love and Kisses from the DR! 

(PS at the very end, God asked me to post my weight as the title and I think I about puked at the thought of the world knowing "my number."  Here. I. Go.  I don't EVER experience anxiety yet I can feel it right this minute before I hit post. Ahhhhhh!)