Impossible

It is so cold here this morning!  It's 63 degrees.  Oh my.  My NYers, I see you have a snow day on Facebook, I will stop complaining because once the sun gets a bit higher.  I will be just fine in a little sweater.

Ten years in Florida and 2.5 years here, I cannot handle the cold like I used to as a child!

So I am in my sweatpants, hoodie, and socks on the porch with some hot cocoa reading some Luke.

Sometimes, we need to slow down and read and think about what we read.  Let God fill in between the lines with His Holy Spirit within us. 

Elizabeth is pregnant with John and when she is 6 months along, Mary (relative) is told by the same angel, Gabriel, she is pregnant (with Jesus).  Mary goes to stay with Rebekah for about 3 months.  Mary is super young and Elizabeth is super old.  At this point Joseph has a decision to make, have her stoned to death for cheating or divorce her.  Even though they weren't married yet, a betrothal needed to be broken with a divorce.  But God told him to do something else...marry her.

A census is called by Roman emperor, Augustus, and Mary and Joseph need to return to King David's ancient home, Bethlehem, because Joseph was a descendant.

These two have to travel 70 miles!  Mary is about to pop and she has to travel 70 miles?  I would have said, you go and I'll have this baby.  Catch up with you later.  Ain't no one going that far full-term.  But God had a plan.  Perfectly executed with His kids.

So they go.  One would think God would pave the way and let her give birth comfortably because she has been so obedient. And let's be honest, most reactions to pregnancies in the Bible include laughter because they didn't believe it was possible. But not Mary. She pretty much said she is the Lord's servant and may this come true.  I wonder what Mary was like and what her upbringing was like to be obedient and willing to face the world claiming such a crazy thing, carrying a baby conceived by the Holy Spirit.  She couldn't let what the world thought of her, stop her.  She was moving on with Joseph as God led this incredible journey that no one can or will ever understand enduring.

I wonder if when they had no place to go, they looked at each other like, DID WE MISS HEARING GOD?  How can we give birth here in this nasty place with animals and their excrement? Lord, are you sure of this??  We have the Savior here, let's do miraculous!

All this is a sweet reminder of my life.  I needed one today.  Sweet of God to show me. 

I have been so behind in updating you people on fully adopting the girls.  Forgive me.  So when I finally went to get passports and visas, I was met with an obstacle.  I can't obtain them because only their father can now that mom is dead.  I do have legal rights to the girls.  I am their legal guardian, but I cannot take them out of the country until they are fully adopted.  So I let this sit for a little while not feeling God telling me to pursue it more.  I knew He was working.  I was so devastated.  I thought I was going to go to La Vega that day and bam! God style, passports and visas in process and fly home to NY/maybe Florida, too, for Christmas.  Voila!  God is good!

Didn't happen anything like that.

Instead, I find out that I am stuck here.  Oh my heart cried not fair.  I did as you asked, God, can't you just make this as smooth as possible!  I will give you glory for everything like I always do! 

So as time passed a little bit, I was looking online and read that you have to be married to adopt.  Not only married, but married for 5 YEARS.  Que?

Read this as: God has asked me to do the impossible.  (Oh, I just welled up with tears, He just reminded me of Luke 1:37).

Other Christians, meaning well but completely discouraging me, have said things like, "You tried to do something great for these girls but really you might be harming their future.  You can't take in kids before you adopt them...the law says you can't have them live with you first."  Others "you want to help, but this isn't helping in the long run."  Or, "Just leave the kids here and go vacation home." 

No. If I leave, they are leaving with me. 

Like Mary, I just have to keep walking.  But walking alone.   And although there is no Joseph, I whole-heartedly believe he isn't too far off.   In the meantime, I say to God alone in my thoughts, You better figure all this out!  We can't even do this!  (Why do I allow to devil to creep in my thoughts!)

Like everything in my life, I know He will work it out without me.  Thank goodness I can always lean on "I know what He said."  I am just to be obedient and do what He does say to do.  People want to put me in contact with this person and that person when they hear the story, I decline.  Until I feel God say go, I won't try to provide for myself and the kids. Isnt it time to get married now?  Find someone.   Oh, the things people say.  Your story isn't mine but I know people have said some crazy things to you, too.  Following God makes you look foolish.  Evidently waiting on God isn't acceptable... not even to Christians.  I long for the day to be like, look at the ending to this, and to God will be the glory. 

So, out of nowhere, a DR friend told me a judge/lawyer, not sure of story, can sign documents to allow me to fly because of the situation with dad in prison.  Hopefully this week, I will go see.

You can be praying for us and this situation.  The whole process takes time, but I am hopeful for the day I can bring the girls to America so you can all meet them.  Until then, I thank God for Facebook.  When others allow Facebook to make them jealous and envy others' lives, I love it so you can see my babies grow with me!!

Thank you for going on this journey with me...with your love, prayers, and support.    

My Biggest Fear

Yesterday we were invited to meet with International Justice Mission (IJM is a U.S.-based non-profit human rights organization that operates in countries all over the world to rescue victims of individual human rights abuse).  We were able to participate in  a round-table for human trafficking in the DR.  There were a total of 7 organizations present to discuss solutions and strategies for the country.

We opened the meeting in prayer and when we were all done, we had gotten into groups of 4 or so to pray together, and then prayed as an entire group.

God's people.

Together for a purpose.

Praying to our Father.

Oh my heart was SO FULL.  

I love group prayers.

Authority and power.

There is no force like His kids coming together.

So much is going on lately ministry wise.  It is exciting.  I sat on my porch with coffee and my Bible for hours this morning.  Started at 6:40, got kids ready for school at 7, went back out there around 7:45, and just stayed there until almost 11AM.  Making notes, writing in my journal, going into the house to sit on my "prayer chair,"  returning back outside while I text Dana to pray for me, and then going back to my chair only to return back to the porch to read.

My Wed Bible group had a question in our book asking what our biggest fear was a few weeks ago...mine is not being in God's will.  That, like, I do not wait for exact instructions.  That my selfishness/my desires/the devil causes me to miss out of something God wants to tell me to do.  I fear I am going to get in the way of what God has planned.  I want to be fully used for God..for whatever He wants this kid to accomplish.  I can't go anywhere apart from Him (John 6:68) and I know I can't do anything apart from Him (John 15:5).  I sat on my chair hands up to the ceiling, "Listen, God, we both know I am more than willing to do whatever, whenever, You just tell me!!  You know my heart, You know I am all in for You!  Say it!"

So my prayers yesterday and today have been for Him to be clear... that what I think He is asking us to do next, is solely of Him and not of what I "think/feel" we should do.  And also, there seems to be so many things on the table, and really unsure of how they all go together.  Okay, so this whole list is of You, but how do we move forward with all of this now. 

It is truly incredible when you get to see into a small window of what is going on on the path God has for you.  I sat on the porch thinking, "OHHH, so this is why you have done what You have done, Lord.  I sooooo thank You for our leadership in this ministry.  Our ability to wait.  Our dependence on the Holy Spirit as the only source of direction."

I can totally see how decisions we COULD have made the last year/year and half would have totally changed what we are facing in front of us today.  It's like we are perfectly positioned.   Of course we are.  When He does something, we all look at it and say, "that's God."

Luke knows my comments aren't to puff his chest up but it is to glorify the living God.  His power and authority demonstrated through obedient kids.

Do you know how hard it is to wait on God?

It takes the Holy Spirit's indwelling power to wait.  The One that was, is, and always will be.  The one that sustains all things (Hebrews 1:3) and by which all things were made (John 1:3).  King of Kings and Lord of Lords (I don't think I can ever say that without thinking in my head woooo hoooo!)

We tend to think, nothing is changing.  Nothing/no one really can make a difference.

Wrong.

A difference is being made with God's people.  His WILL will be done. 

This year has been absolutely crazy and I cannot even wait to see what 2015 brings. 

So tell me...what's your biggest fear?

Renew

My friend Jamie made a life changing comment in my Friday morning missionary Bible study the other day.  It isn't the first time I have heard it, but it put a few other things in perspective for me and I want to share.  I sit here praying this morning for my group and hope they heard it and pray to God they apply it to their lives.

We were discussing  judgmentalism from our book Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges.  (Side note: this book has grown me in so many ways!  Do pick it up and read it.  There are several points that he does make in the book that I completely disagree with, so read it discerning his words.)

She said that just as we need to watch what we say about others, we need to do the same about ourselves:  judging ourselves.

The mind.  Your thoughts.  How do you look at yourself?  Is it the way Christ looks at you?  Is it loveable?  Are you acceptable?  Does it have confidence and boldness in who you are IN Christ?  Do you think about yourself while being controlled by the Spirit? 

Let me be a little open about what I do, I like to picture things out in my head.  When I use to think negatively about myself, an image of Jesus would pop into my mind of Him sitting in a chair watching me.  He would say in my head, "That is not true. I do not think that about you."  May sound crazy, but if I am to live to please Him, I need to stay focused on what HE thinks about me and my life.  I think the longer you refuse thoughts in, the easier it is to not even let it stay for a second next time. Until it actually doesn't even exist anymore.  Gone.

You can have control of your thoughts and it is the biggest CHANGE YOU CAN MAKE IN YOUR LIFE.  Your own thoughts.  Do you know everything stems from there?  Your own thoughts about who you are, what you look like, are you good enough, can you do this or that, do you add up to what you should be, make enough money, have enough things?  THIS actually dictates how you react, what you do, how you live, how you have relationships with others.  

You know what you will STOP doing when you think, "God, what do you think about my body, about how I work, about how I raise my kids, about how I hold grudges, about how I won't forgive, about how I appear to the world single, about how I wait on Your steps, about how I pour into others..."  (All those are my own thoughts that were ONCE comparative to others, wondering what others thought about them, but now solely based on Christ's word on it).

You will stop comparing yourself to others.  
You can't compare when you focus on what He thinks the most. 

You will realize that nothing can influence what you know.  You aren't tossed about side to side about what others say.  You will live to please God (Gal 1:10). 

"Let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes." (Ephesians 4:23)

 ^{Galatians 5:22-23}But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, and self-control. 

These fruits apply to our lives, too, not just how we interact with others.   When we are in Spirit, these are produced.  Do you love yourself?   I didn't for many years until God showed me what that looked like and how it was WRONG.  I hadn't surrendered that area to Him.  When I finally did, it was monumental.   I remember when He convicted me of this about a year or two ago, being "critical of yourself and judging yourself."  In this case, it was over my body. But not just our body...When we learn to have self-control over ALL our negative thoughts through the Holy Spirit, we are changed in EVERY area of our life.  When you have those negative thoughts, it is imperative to realize your thoughts are not of the Spirit.  If you have the same negative thoughts about anything, week after week, and year after year, and that is "the way I am" ---->You are not allowing the Spirit to renew you or your attitude.  I thought hating your body was "normal."  Of course my non-Christian friends hated theirs and when I became Christian, my Christian friends hated theirs, too.  God told me that I can no longer say my body is disgusting or I do not like it. 

WHAT!? 

I had to let Him renew me.  Those were not Godly thoughts.  But if I wanted to change, I had to listen to Him.  Since that day, I have not had a single thought that my body was disgusting.  The insane part is I actually think it is beautiful, even if it doesn't add up to societal standards.  Crazy.   I love it and I teach my girls the same thing. It is my job to take care of it and be healthy.  I work out because I need to be strong and healthy to fulfill my purpose for Him.  That changed my life, too.  A few years ago He told me working out is not an option anymore.  I do not believe in retirement and I need to keep this body healthy.  I read this morning the risk for dementia can be reduced by 50% with regular exercise.  This body is not mine.  It is my job to teach my girls the same thing.  We live and die to glorify God (Romans 14:7), has nothing to do with ourselves when we claim Him. 

My friend said the other day, "We all hate our bodies and want to change it.  We look in the mirror and think it's disgusting."  I sat at home that night and cried to Jesus and texted Dana.  I was not bold enough to say, actually, no, I disagree.  Through Christ alone, I actually do not do that anymore.  I don't think it is perfect, but it is mine and He created it.   I didn't want to appear "having it all together" and being judged like so, so I forfeited giving Him glory for His work.  I corrected it later after He poked my side over and over again as I cried on my knees and then in bed.  I cannot worry what other think of me and how He has transformed my life in INSANE ways.  Those that want to grow in Christ will see the light and those that do not, won't.  Nothing to do with me, I just have to do my life in Him.

Claim victory.  Stop believing YOU can do anything-- lose weight, stop drinking, quit yelling, stop being offended, stop being jealous, be good enough, stop having sex outside of marriage, stop comparing, stop being competive, envy, self-pity, anxious, ANYTHING...

BELIEVE Jesus CAN. 

Decide this week that when you have negative thoughts about yourself, send them out immediately. 

Join me in this "crazy, unheard of" life of freedom, but you must deny yourself first.


What ways do you negatively judge yourself?

MOM, I think God is trying to talk to me AHH-GAIN!

So the girls slipped into bed at 7:30PM and by 7:45PM Daniela came out to the porch where I was reading myself with her Bible saying, "LOOK AT THIS!  My friend said this verse in school today and here it is AGAIN!  MOM, I think God is trying to talk to me AHH-GAIN!"

Proverbs 12:22

The Lord detests lying lips,
    but he delights in those who tell the truth.

She kept rambling on in a frantic, I do not believe this!! manner.   I told her to wait a second and slow down, I do not understand, and I am very emotional about this myself.   I mean seriously, God, You are freaking awesome and please keep at my kid because she is wearing me so thin lately.  Lying sounds like nothing big from time to time, but when it is in your house every day you become exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally.  New lies are uncovered and you feel like you are going backwards with no help in sight.

Why did your friend tell you this?

No, she didn't tell me. She told our friend this after she lied.  I was listening and thought, "God, are you talking to me, too, with this verse!?"

So what is He saying?

I dont know why He would talk to me, I tell lies and say bad things!  I think I need to tell the truth.  I think I need to do like Matthew 22:37 (she reads it to me as she flips to the pages about loving God with all your mind, heart, and soul.  Then, she goes on to say she needs to love others, too, like Jesus' second commandment).  Mama, I want to talk to Him!  I am not loving others when I lie to them (wow to that wisdom she pulled out on her own!).  The devil tempts me just like he tempted Jesus.  It just keeps on and on.  

So what are you going to do with all this, Daniela?

I need to read my Bible more and talk to God more to hear Him.  He has told me two verses in 2 weeks!  Why!??  

I had her date the Bible verses He is speaking and she went back in to write it all out in her journal.   

I felt no need to talk it out for her tonight.  I think she came to enough answers on her own and can pray about the rest.

My heart smiles BIG.  I really needed that myself tonight. 

Philippians 4:13

Philippians 4:13  For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.

We are having a little big problem with lying in my house.  Most of the time, it really makes absolutely no sense.  Last night after tears and wanting attention after being reprimanded for lying about not having homework, Daniela tried to sleep on her floor, so I calmly told her to please come sleep in my room with Jessica.  Only after I prayed and had to let go that her lying and deceit is not against me was I able to go back in her room and say lets go to bed.  She got up immediately, just wanting attention in the first place.   The first time she hid homework, she waited until I went to my night Bible study and told my sitter that I don't let her do homework, so she has to do it when I leave.  Can I say when she lies against me, it hearts my heart a bit?  I've learned to toughen up.  This was Wednesday, too, but last night I let my sitter leave and I stayed home.  By then it was 6PM and she had already hid the fact that she had homework.  When we lost power after showers at 730P, she was trying to do it by candlelight/flashlight.  "It's just practice."  Nope.

Anyway, I went back out to the dining room and just felt a nudge to call her back out after 30 minutes.  I contemplated that she was already sleeping and I was going to wake her up, but it wouldn't pass, so I called to her and she was still up.  I told her to grab her Bible and look up this verse and to read through and practice.  We have talked about this verse before and how Jesus can help her stop lying.  She practiced it and I kissed her to go to bed, again.

When we picked her up from school, one of the first things she said was that her teacher was talking about this verse today.  "How weird!"  I told her that that is God speaking.  

She told me the other day that she wasn't sure sometimes if God was saying anything to her.  I explained people say all the time He doesn't speak or they can't hear Him. I said, "that's a lie from the Devil."  They can hear Him, if they read His word.  They are probably not reading His Word or they don't think it is Him.  If my language allowed for it, I would have explained that many people dismiss Him talking at times with coincidences, chances, and by accident, etc. 

We were cooking dinner tonight and Daniela mentioned it again with wide eyes--saying how RARO it was.  I told her that He wants to teach you that you must use this verse to overcome what is going on.  He is speaking to YOU!  Listen.  No, you can't stop lying, but He can.  The hard part is, even though He is going to do it in His power, you must take a step in NOT lying.  The thought comes in, don't listen. 

She must believe.  In Christ, in Power.

Being a CHRISTIAN parent has made me a little nutty.  Her Christian views/ways/thoughts of God are all going to reflections of what I taught and what SHE SAW me do/react/follow.  High five if she follows my suit, I am good with that, but that ain't going on right now!  Can I say that I am scared for my kids lives to turn out like "most Christian kids?"  Not in a pride way, but in a "on my knees, please, Lord, give me the wisdom to always point to you in a very real way."  I want them to always say, "wait, I watched my mom pray for ____ and God always provided our daily needs.  I watched my mom get up early in the morning everyday and read the Word because it was important to hear God.  I can't deny God's hand because I watched my mom ....WHATEVER."  Daniela once started a sentence with, "One day if my boyfriend hits me..." WHOAAAAA.  No way.  Helllooooo, God is never, ever going to tell you to date someone that hits you. Never. Freaking. Ever.  Never!!  Things like that, that she thinks, need to be erased and replaced with truth.   She tells me random things all the time and I think OH MY what else is in that head or what else you think is okay.

I do not know where these lies stem from.  A life of lying.  Result of trauma and trust.  I actually wrote this post 2 nights ago and I have dealt with many more lies since this was written.  The scary part is she is so calm and normal lying.  It was so hard to tell when she was lying because she is so convincing!!   I take the day as it comes, no more.  I get frustrated, which my Bible study book calls a sin.  I am taking a really hard look at why and how I can remain in the Spirit to talk her through these things.  

As I wrote tonight, God brought this to my mente... Imagine if I ignored that prompting to get Daniela out of bed because it was "too late?"  She would never have "heard" God speak to her today because of my disobedience. 

Dont ignore the nudges in life.  He's talking. Listen.

Selfish

I can't believe it has been a full month since I have written.  It is definitely not because I don't know what to say!  I could write a blog post daily with this new life.  

This week has just been tough and I knew a blog post was going to come out of the craziness.  It seemed every time God's voice would be so clear showing me His will, the devil would mess with some thing going on around me.  Today, I finally broke the madness.

I knew what it was this whole week.  Actually it has been on and off since the girls came to live with me.

Selfishness.  

I was reading in Corinthians the week before last and saw this:

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NLT) ^"Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, ²⁰ for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.

 

I know these verses.  If there is one thing God has solidified in me after I told Him that I was following Him, it was this.  Nothing is mine and I am not in control.  Nothing.  Not my work.  Not my body.  Not my desires.  Not my things.  Not my country.  Not my path.  Not my plan.  Not even my thoughts.  It took years of surrendering one part or another to Him as I grew in my walk. A veces, they seem to show up again in a new way to be surrendered.

 

A fellow missionary here once told me that my desires are automatically God's desires because I have the Spirit in me, so I can do as I want and rest assure it is God's will for me.   I completely disagree.  I have many desires and wants that are not what God has for me.  I constantly have to put them down in order to follow His will.  I have many skills that God does not choose to use right this moment in the capacity I see fit.  I am a very talented teacher (gifted by God), but yet that is not what God has me doing in a classroom right now.  To some that might not make sense, but I have learned it usually doesn't make sense.  If I can figure it all out, it is usually a SIGN that I am controlling things and not allowing the Spirit to work out details.   Most of my life decisions include my knees, the Bible, waiting, tears, and more waiting.  Then He speaks into my Spirit and I can move forward on big faith and confidence of what He said to do.  When the devil attacks me with lies, I can sit back and say, "God said to do this, I have to let Him take care of it."

 

If I was to follow the desires of my heart...I would leave this country.  Not because I hate it, it is because it is not what I would have for myself.  I would open a dance studio, a card shop, a tutoring center, or a salon (hair/makeup)...I would live in Florida with some of my favorite people giving glory to God in all I did because those are some true passions I have and could utilize it for His glory...BUT I choose to say yes to God...and no to Phyllis.  Yes to what He asks because before anything or anyone else, I want to be in His will.  

 

This past week the devil has been on over-time with me. And, when it keeps at you, and you aren't careful, you start to agree with it.  Selfish thoughts start and you agree.  They are true statements to the world about what we deserve and should have...deceived so cleverly that we don't even realize it.  I believe this attack can also lead to depression.  The devil.  His lies.  It's real. It happens.  The scary part is I think many do not know the signs. My ministry is reading the book Resist the Devil for our Bible study.  It is by a man named Watchman Nee.  It's a life changer.  Get it.

 

I was never dead set on having children.  If I leaned to one side, it was to not having any.  Now that I have two, the devil reminds me of my copious amounts of time lost caring for two monkeys.  Where does  4PM-8PM go??  Two monkeys that are rather difficult most days than not.  The devil sends a large reminder that God asked me to do it alone right now and there is no break or "go ask your dad" or someone help me in chores and tasks/decisions.  The devil reminds me about how difficult they are at times and the constant struggles with one of them lately.  It reminds me my life seemed so much "easier" before (which is a lie, too, because life was not easier before them, it was just different).

I am by nature, an introvert.  I require so much time alone because people drain me so much.  I am the type of person that can go days without human interaction and be just fine.  Give me a book, I will be just fine.  As you can imagine, God asking me to take two kids has thrown me into a whirlwind of constant interaction and very little time to fill up.  Most days I just feel completely exhausted mentally.

 

Today, I am choosing to stop listening to the lies on having kids.  I am choosing to not listen to the devil tell me all the ways things should be different BECAUSEEEEE I cannot change the first 10 years of Daniela's life.  Her behavior brings me to tears at night in frustration but it does NOTHING to say it is unfair to take in a child that is so old and set in behaviors like constant lying.  Complaining over and over again to God that I did not get to build a solid foundation in Daniela does absolutely nothing.  I can say it isn't fair and the hardship that I endure with her isn't because I didnt rear her Biblically these past years, but that still changes nothing.   It validates my thoughts, and they are true and they are real, but I said it to God and have to drop it.  Quit being selfish.    This life is not mine.  Choosing to lay down my wants/life for the MILLIONTH time and finding joy in what God has planned to bring Him glory.  My selfishness is so disgusting that I get so caught up in my struggles with them that I forget their own struggles.

 

The devil has even crept into my thoughts and started to say, "This doesn't even sound biblical...  Starting a family without a husband first."  The devil's thought planted in my mind sounds awfully true to me, too.  I could start second guessing.  When I start to think that, God ZOOMS my memory back to the night I woke up and tossed and turned crying in surrender to taking in His two kids.  My faith in that night is strong.  Cannot be changed. I think that is why He does that in surrender.  I don't sit around this country wondering if I am supposed to live here, where I am supposed to work, etc.  I have rocks to stand.  When I waver, I look back to the specific time I surrendered my will and can say yes, that is what I was supposed to do.  My thoughts from the devil are lies.  End of story and next time it comes, send it out.  I don't say that to say it is easy.  The devil is relentless. 

 

Although I said that I have to lay down my desires to follow Him...my ultimate desire is to follow Jesus Christ in whatever it is that He wants me to do.

 

I love Jessica and Daniela unlike I thought I could ever love strangers.  Our lives were instantly sewn together and, struggles aside, they fill me with such joy.  The way they both wake up happy, giving kisses and hugs instantly warms my soul.  Having the chance to pour my whole Christian life into two little bodies to know Christ and do BIG things for Him because I taught them about Christ is the most rewarding thing ever.  To have the chance, one day when our language is totally there, to constantly talk about Jesus Christ and share everything I know to them about Him is so exciting!!  To pour into them everything I know to live a life like mine as a model is so wonderful!  I don't want this blog to just sound like I am miserable.  FAR from that.  BUT this is what happens when we let the devil speak to us and dwell on it.

 

(To my non-christian or new Christian readers, I know hearing me say the devil over and over again sounds creepy.  I hated that word when I was searching for God.  Sounds wicked LoCo.  I totally feel for you, but the problem is that it doesn't matter if you believe it to be true...it is still true, whether you accept it or not.  You may not realize that most of your thoughts are of the devil, especially the those of you that do not claim Christ as yours. I will let you in on a Christian secret, most Christians do not even realize what the devil does.  Only through constantly seeking His wisdom in His Word do I LEARN more and more about this world and the unseen world).  

 

I cannot say that this is the direct cause, but the past month I have been exhausted mentally, physically, spiritually...just everything.  I didn't even read my Bible or Christian books for like 5 days straight (scary).  Yesterday I had the surrender moment breakdown which almost felt like freaking salvation!  My month long dreary mood ended. I didnt even think about "wanting to badly nap" like I usually fight through every evening or usually like an hour or two after waking wanting to pass out in exhaustion.

 

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is Freedom!

Happy Heaven Birthday, Mama Espinal!

This morning marked one year since Mama Espinal passed away.  Today was also a big day for Jessica, she started Kindergarten at Doulos.  She was a little teary eyed in the morning but she pulled herself together by the time we left school.  Luke & Naomi came with Daniela and I to visit mom's gravesite.  It was a first time for all of us going to a cemetary...and it may just be the last time any of us do that again.  Daniela was excited to bring flowers but when we got there she didn't care to stay any longer than putting the flowers on the little ledge of her mom's plot. 

I have written about the cemetary here before.  They are all above ground unless you can afford an underground, expensive burial (I have been told).  Even people who are doctors are sometimes above ground in a secluded building for the family's corpses.  There is no organization to the plots unless you have an entire building of bodies.  Some have professional writings, some have hand written writings in marker, and some have just a carved in name and date when the cement was wet. 

We had been walking around the dilapidated cemetery for a few minutes with no luck of where she was laid to rest.  I must admit, the place freaked me out.  It was beyond eerie there.  We are very professional and neat in the USA with burials and the DR is not the same.  I kept reminding myself I don't have to feel bad about where they are laid to rest.  Once we die, that is it.  Our burial sites are not important...but when we got to Mama Espinal's, I just felt sad to see she had a plot with just her name and date carved into the wet cement. 

The dates represent the years that her plot has been paid.  August 13, 2013-2018, 5 years. 

We celebrated tonight with cupcakes for Mama's 1st Heaven Birthday with Jesus.  We prayed and shared things they remembered about Mom: she would tickle them to wake them up, she would kiss and hug them when they were sick, she would give piggyback rides when they were too tired to walk, she would call Daniela "Florinda" (not too sure what that means, but Flor is flower in Spanish), and her favorite color was blue.  

We ended the night with Jessi crying that she doesn't want to go to school anymore.  She had a bit of a breakdown in the afternoon wanting to go home from school.  Luke picked her up for me at school because I had the women's ministry.  He said she ran up with a huge hug whispering she has friends!  As dinner approached she started to cry that she doesn't want to go back and that I might not pick her up.  My kindergarten drop-out said she prayed about it and God said she can't go either.  (I died laughing!  So did Daniela!  But at bedtime when she was begging me and crying not to go, I told her verses that point to God wanting her to get over this fear, He is with her, He is strong when she is weak, etc).  For any other K'er I would say, "suck it up, you'll get over it," but as soon as Maria came to jewelry and said she saw staff talking with Jessica because she was crying, my heart sank a little.  I know this is a very stressful day.  A day of new faces and a new place without Daniela and I.  For a kid that has witnessed trauma and lost her entire family in one day, this can be a high-anxiety driven day.  A day that could set off little triggers throughout the day that we don't know about, for many reasons (information I gathered from articles on trauma and starting school). You would be a fool to think you can treat Jessica or Daniela like other kids, all the time.  Slipping away or not consoling them during their tears of stress/anxiety can be detrimental to healing and their security/trust they have built in me.  My spirit was heavy,  the kind where you take on another's emotional state in empathy. 

We met a friend's mission team a few weeks ago with another organization here and Jessica completely shutdown crying until she fell asleep on my chest.  She wouldn't play with the other kids and there was a large group of kids different ages to play with.  It is amazing to see the different coping mechanisms in the girls. 

All this to say that I have seen Jessica grow leaps and bounds in the two months I have had her.  I know that it is because she is in a very stable, safe, routined environment.  She has learned how to deal with her anger and use her words instead of her outbursts.  I know she likes school and is excited to have friends (something she struggles with making because she is jealous and thinks kids don't want to play with her). 

I am very hopeful for her to adjust quickly.  Cover her in prayers with me this week.  Daniela starts her school next Wednesday and she is excited to get back to school like Ethan and Jessica!

Much love!

I have Jesus in My Heart

Just wanted to share with you guys a quick story.

I just crawled into bed and I thought I saw a light turn on in the house or outside, so I got up.  I thought I heard someone calling outside but ignored it because my neighbors are very loud cussing and yelling in Spanish, during the day and late into the night.   As I got out of my room, I realized it was Daniela's (/Jessica's) room.  (She decided tonight that since Jessica fell asleep first in her own bed that she would sneak up to her own bed and try to sleep separately for the first time.  I agreed that she could try.  I figured we could give it a try and see how it works with Jessi.)

I walked back there thinking she was awake, messing around, but as I rounded the corner, she shut the light off not knowing I was coming.  I said, "Hey, baby" in English.  It was dark and she said, "Oh, mama!" in a "Ayyy you scared me" kinda way.  I flicked the light just then.  She said, "Ayyyyyy, Jessica was crying and she is ::whimpering sound::, I wanted to run down to her, but I was too scared.  I called to you twice, did you hear me?  So, I decided, I have Jesus in my heart!  I can go down there! So I did and she was crying in her sleep."

I asked if she thought someone was in her room and she said, "Yea, but when I got up to check it was just in my head."

I gave her a high five!  Nice job for calling me and for going down to check!  She was so freaking confident when she said it. 

I am so stinking proud of her!!! I just wanna high-five Jesus!  We got this kid for sure <3

My heart is going to sleep so joyful tonight.  My cup runs over.

Fear

Tonight I was in the kids' room in the back of the house trying to pack some things because we are going to stay a night with the mission team at the hotel when they arrive.  I remembered I left the front porch door open, so I asked Daniela to go shut it.  It is all closed off on the second floor, but there are no bars covering around it.  When she got back she had this look on her face and I knew it was a fear look.  I have seen it on her multiple times since she moved in... mainly at night when she leaves her bed for mine in panic that she heard something or saw something.  She quickly in this low voice said, "I was so scared.  I thought I saw someone on the porch when I was closing the door."  In a bit of an angry voice because we have talked about this a few times now (anyone coming to the house or being here), "Why didn't you call me!? You need to yell to me as soon as you think someone is here."  She explained that no one was there but she freaked herself out thinking she saw someone.

This may be nuts to the every day person, but I tell Daniela that Christ lives in me and that means that I am all powerful in Christ.  This is probably the third time I have explained this and I am ALWAYS weary that I won't explain it right to her in my Spanish.  I worry that since she also has Jesus as Savior (I think she does), I wonder if she has a hard time understanding why she didn't have "power to save" Mama Espinal.  See, that is not the point I am trying to make to her, that we can pray for anything and He will automatically do it.  But that His will will always be done and we CAN pray for anything.

Obviously, I am not a super hero, but I do believe that in any given situation, I can pray for divine guidance on how to talk, react, etc, and then be led by the Spirit to follow suit.  If something bad happens, it is because God allowed it to happen, but I can let Christ control me through whatever it is. 

I want her to pray for her fear and I want to know she has fear because I can cover her in prayer with the Holy Spirit's power.  And I also want her to know that when you allow Christ to control you, you can do crazy things with His power.  I believe if God wills it, if He tells me to do it, I can command someone crazy out of my house using the name of Jesus Christ.  I have never done such a thing, but I believe it.  He is God.  Because Daniela has Jesus, I believe she can, too.  But, I do not think Daniela believes she has that power to do it (yet).

One night we prayed for dreams of Mama Espinal. In the morning Daniela couldn't remember her dreams.  She said, "God doesn't have to say yes to my prayers. He is God and He is good" as we laid in bed.  I explained this a little bit when she moved in when she was starting to talk more about the details of her mom's death.  What an incredible concept for a little kid to understand!  Maybe she repeated what I was trying to tell her, but I think she believes it.  The next night, her prayer was answered.  However, I think God answered it the first night and she didn't remember the dream.  I only say that because my Spirit felt it the night I prayed for her.  

Anyway, right now fear has a tight grip on her and the devil pulls her under quickly with it.  Her face is really scary when she has these moments.  She sorta scares me when she looks at me like that.   I tell myself in the Spirit that it is nothing, to send it out, we are safe.  The Devil doesn't have a fear grip on me.  That is one stronghold, I command out of me immediately.  Only through practice have I learned to not allow it at all to enter my head with the Spirit.  When I lived in Florida alone, I had to learn to just rely on God to care for me.  If He allows it, He will still be there with me.  I can't change anything but be in the Spirit myself.  So what if something does happen?  So what?  I will make it with Christ no matter what the circumstances.  If you allow fear in your head, you can become completely incapacitated...all because the devil has fastened to your mind.  (Fear of a situation is our God-given natural response to defense.  Daily/weekly constant fears are of the devil.) 

Sometimes the devil tells me that I am not strong enough, smart enough, capable of... keeping these two safe if dad was to get out one day or if one of their crazy family members comes, but I truly change my thought to "God, you asked me to do this, you will be our Rescue if the need arises.  You will be our Protector and Provider."   The thing is, I truly believe that He asked me to do this and I truly believe He will work out the details of our lives.  Even if He allows evil in the house, nothing can happen without Christ being with us. 

This makes my life so much easier to live.  I have no idea.  I have no plans.  I do not know all the what-ifs people KEEP asking me.  Yes, I am doing it alone.  Yes, I find that just as nuts as you do.  But, I am POSITIVE that night in June God woke me up and said do this. 

Matt 16:23 "Get behind me Satan."  1 John 4:4 "...because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world." 

Commit to practicing those this week.  You need those verses cemented in your head.

Signed!

We got an appointment for early morning in La Vega with a judge and Luke advised we try to pick the sister up super early just in case she isn't ready.  Thank goodness he advised that,  he was right.  When we went to pick her up last Friday she was sleeping on a love seat in her living room, fully dressed from her night before.  She eventually rolled off the couch and brushed her teeth outside, and brought a shirt with her to throw on over her small tank top.  This morning she was in a bedroom sleeping and told the grandmother (that owns the house) not to wake her if we showed up.  We made several efforts to contact her to let her know we had gotten an appointment and would be picking her up.  She said someone stole her phone, so we told the neighbor to tell her and checked her house later that evening.  She knew we were coming, but she said she had no idea.  The grandmother wouldn't even try to wake her up at first, but Suleidy and I weren't leaving. We awkwardly just stood there at the door in silence for a little bit.   We had prayed on our way over there because I felt an uneasiness in my Spirit about her this morning (I did not have an uneasiness about the judge, just her).  I opened an email from my friend Hulen when I woke up and she said she felt led to wake up and pray for me in the middle of the night.  I knew it was that.  I was a bit frustrated to say the least and told Suleidy I just want a minute to breath and think before we ask grandma to try...I mean, cause really, I wanted to call her out as a faker for acting like she cares for these girls but has completely shown no drive to do anything to help them be legal with me.  She has never called them once, but I have to hear her complain they don't call her, don't show her love when we go to her house, etc etc.  So, I asked the Spirit to take control and talk our way out of this.  I walked back to the truck and told Nay and Luke what was going on and Nay said she thought it was that, too.  I said, "she doesn't want to come and she won't talk with us. She doesn't want to be bothered with this stuff."  She has made several comments in the past about not signing if I say I am leaving the country and some family members have told her not to sign, so I have been waiting for her to stop cooperating completely.  In the moment of talking with Nay and Luke, I asked if I should offer her some money as an incentive to get out of bed.  I wasn't thinking much, just like $11 (500 pesos).  Luke quickly said, "NO."  "Ahhhhh, you are right.  Thank you for being honest."  I walked back praying, feeling a little guilty that I didn't have faith in my prayers to let God take control of the situation.  Suleidy was already handling business.  My God can move mountains and I am trying to figure things out my way? Get a grip, Brady.

Suleidy is going to be an amazing woman of God one day.  Right now, she is an amazing teenager for God.  Sometimes, I don't even know what she is saying for me, but I just pray while she speaks to people, knowing that she loves Jesus and He can work through her.  You would never know she is young because she carries herself like an adult.  I love Suleidy like a little sister and truly value her helping me this summer with papers and school.  I pray over her life often, excited to see what God does with her.

Thanks to God through Suleidy talking and saying a few things I had to gram and sister, she got out of bed and decided she would shower.  We think it was on purpose to waste time and try to make us late.  She walked in her towel outside to the shower that is behind a piece of fabric like curtain connected to the side of the house.  The bathroom is outside over there, too.  When Daniela first got here, she would always try to wear her undies in the shower and I realized later it was because she bathed in a bucket outside.  One day we saw her niece bathing in her undies and it dawned on me that is why she would try to shower like that. 

Once we got in the car it was a bit awkward, but I just reminded myself, we just got to get through this and be done.  I told Daniela to say hi but sister missed it.  Later, she was asking Daniela why she didn't greet her.  Daniela tried to say she had greeted her but she didn't listen and I told Dani to just say sorry.  I really don't like the sister's behavior/attitude and telling Daniela to apologize was ridiculous, but hey, we can play the game until we sign.  Sister told Sul today that their other sister (Grabiela (8), in the capital) is much prettier than these 2 and more elegant, she speaks with them often to stay in touch.  (I know this is true because Grabiela knew they had a "new mom.")  Is it me or is that whole sentence just off?  Why would you even refer to another sister as prettier and more elegant than these 2?  I don't know why they don't care to stay in touch with these girls, but stay in contact with the other sister.

Anyway, we got to the office and had to wait an hour to speak with the judge.  Then, we found out that the last judge forgot to put a sentence saying I wanted guardianship, it just said that I was going to be given rights to take care of the kids.  I would say this is guardianship, but they wanted it written a certain way.  So, we had to drive back to the other office, completely push to the front of the line (c/o Suleidy handling business and me with the "American smile back up" behind her).   The lady took the paper and added what we said without even initialing it.  We took it back and sat down with the judge and it went very smoothly.  We signed.  In a large notebook.  She told us that our next step was to do adoption for permanent guardianship.  They took my packet and Luke is going to go back next week while our team is here to obtain the final documents and copies for me.

I didn't cry this time :).

After we dropped sister off, Sul told us what the sister was saying on the drive home.  She said that the father went after to kill Daniela and Jessica after he attacked mom, but they hid in a rabbit cage.  Daniela has told me that she hid from him in some locked thing, so now I know it was a hidden rabbit cage.  Daniela told me that the only reason she is alive today is because God saved her from her dad.  Sister told us that Daniela held her mom in her arms as she choked on her own blood.  Daniela must've told someone that mom was trying to tell her something but never got it out before she passed because sister told Sul that.  The father said he was going to kill them because they weren't going to have a mom anymore and should die, too.  This sister thought when she got word that her mom was hurt, that she might have tried to take her own life because she was very depressed and threatened suicide from being unhappy about her life.  Instead, it was the husband.  Mom was very young when she had the oldest daughter, like around 15.  This man was only the father of the 3 youngest.   I guess while the father was on the run, he contacted the family and said he was going to kill all of them.  I know this oldest sister has fear because she constantly asks if i know anything about his trial, how many years he might get,  tell her if we hear anything, etc., every time we see her.

Our next steps are to start paperwork for passports and visas!  So cool!!  We are enrolled for school(s)!  One starts Aug. 11th and the other Aug. 28th!  I am wicked excited to have RPC team here this weekend.  Luke's parents, Jack and Linda, fly in this week, too, and we are excited to meet with them and have some days before the team arrives.  One of my BFF's, Belinda, is on this trip and I cannot wait to hang out with her and catch up.  Once they leave another good friend is flying in from Cali with her friend.  A great Jesus-lovin girl I roomed with here in the DR when I first moved, Alyssa. 

I am so blessed.  I do not say that flippantly.  Last month, I felt the pressure of having FAITH that because God asked me to take these 2, that He would provide.  I felt the need to keep reminding Him to do that for me.  To, uh, do it quickly, Father.  Naturally, I just had to be obedient and He followed through on His end with many of you.  Thank you.

My heart is so filled with love.  I love crawling into bed with these two munchkins whose lives have completely changed forever.  Incredible, eh?  Not by anything I did but by what God had planned.  He has rescued them.  More than once.  Several times, including their souls through Christ.  Suleidy and I stood outside Daniela's old home and were in awe of just how radical her life change was physically.  This house's roof leaked water on her bed during the rain.  When she lived in Santiago, she had no room, no bed of her own, no space to herself.  It was a one bedroom place and she slept with her sister & husband or on the couch.  No a/c, of course, but also no fan. It is HOT in Santiago.

And not just physical life change, but that those 2 crazy monkeys know they are loved here.  Love.  Genuine love.  Not just by me, but by Naomi, Luke, & Ethan, Suleidy, and my friends Jamie & Matt (although they don't know them well, they like them a lot and talk about them)...and many, many more to come.  Family and friends joined by Christ's love.

As Jessica came out to kiss me for the millionth time before bed (on the porch) I said, "I love you more than anyone else in this world, third after God and your mama!"  She is used to this saying because I have said it a few times.  She turned around from the door, smiled her classic no teeth grin and said, "God loves me the most!"  I love when she repeats things I say.  Verdad, hija.  Verdad!

Papers

If you missed the post on the death certificate and papers, check out my last blog.  Last week, my friend declared Mama Espinal dead and we obtained a paper for the judge.  Early Friday morning we rode down the mountain to La Vega to see the judge.  The one we originally saw, wasn't in that day, so we had to retell the story to another man.  After I needed more copies, we had to give the paperwork to the secretary.  When we gave it to her, she began questioning what we are doing.  I completely understand the process of questioning to figure out what is going on and to prevent human trafficking, but the process is not done in a respectful way and is not organized either.  It wasn't the secretary's job either!  One child was interviewed the first day and the other child wasn't ever interviewed.  The thing that bothered me most is that everyone wants to know details, repeat what happened, gasp for air to the details, etc.  It is really inconsiderate and rude to talk about it in front of the girls.  Daniela told me that her title is the girl that's mom was killed with a hammer.  I told my hair dresser the mom died when she asked, and she asked me how, I told her I wasn't sure.  Later, she was talking with the girls doing their hair and ASKED Daniela how did mom die.  I shook my head no, she paused and answered not knowing how to not answer.  Of course, my hair dresser said that was your mom??! (I have had to learn that these are MY kids and I can say don't ask her that or don't talk to my kids without my permission. It has taken a few times of people pulling them aside or doing things like this, but I am learning.  Sometimes it is hard because it is family or family friends.  Or, honestly, I am just in awe of the audacity of people). 

So, every new room we walked into they would do the story over again and Nay would take the kids out for me.  The secretary didn't even look over the papers and wanted a verbal explanation of what was going on, and there was no need for it!  Read all the papers!  ASK the judge!  "Who are you?  Are you the mom?  Do you have a husband?  So, you are single?  Why cant you take care of the kids?  Mom, was murdered?  By the father?  Oh, wow." 

All of this going on while other people are in the front office.  Some things I will never, ever understand.  We finally signed the papers.  Then we were told we had to go to another office to drop it off, little did i know that this is ANOTHER judge to sign it, too.  To make it official, official.  The judge wasn't there and this place was clean and appeared professional, not run down buildings like the other places we had been.  I have to call this morning when Suleidy gets here to see if we can go back today.  I don't know why we cant make an appointment, instead you call and see if you can go the day you want to go. 

This past week we have been dealing with a water problem in the house.  Our enormous cistern tank below the ground has been running out and there is no explanation.  Well, our maintenance man swore it was because someone is stealing the water.  How would someone do that?  By buckets.  No, sir!  That is not happening!  I can't help but get upset at times by the thought processes that go on.  Deep breaths.  No, sir, there is a leak somewhere.  My landlord lives in NY and he says he can fill the tank monthly for us.  Sorry, that is all I can do.  700 pesos worth, about $16.  Seriously?  Fix the problem and let's stop calling the firefighters to come bring us water.  I am amazed at that jerk's response.  I can give you water once a month and only can afford $16 worth.  He is American.  That response is ridiculous.  The problem is no one cares. The lawyer in charge of the house was telling me she can't do anything, she doesn't own it and can't authorize anything.  Does that even make sense?  No, nothing ever does.  Culture shock, all over again. 

So we found the leak and hopefully they are going to fix it.  We filled up all the buckets I have the other day to use for showers, hand washing, and to flush toilets. Much thanks for Luke and Naomi for helping me wash days and days of nasty dishes, hauling buckets of water upstairs to fill my large trashcan to use for showers.  I have to get ready to leave.  We just called the office and they said call back in an hour to see if we can come today.  I know I keep asking for prayers, but please lift us up today to be done with all this. 

Also, my challenge for you today is to be cognizant of every-single-time you use water, just today.  I say this not to ask you to see my plight with the water, but to make you aware how much water you use DAILY.  Those 3 days (and really, we had to be easy on the water the week before because we knew the tank was empty and were only using the water from the Tinanca reserve on the roof) I thought I was going to go crazy.  I really did not realize how vital it is to do anything!

Much love!

Culture Shock

This week marks one month since the girls moved in.  It has gone by so fast.  It is amazing to see the changes in both of them.  Screaming, hitting, and rages have completely ended in Jessica.  I truly believe that that is a miracle of God.  Both have settled in and Daniela is definitely starting to grieve.  She's depressed, cries at night, and is a little too relaxed showing defiance with listening.  All in all, things are actually really great.  Love their faces and giggles mucho.

Daniela said she knew her little sister's number, so we tried calling over the weekend twice.  It worked.   I overheard her say, "I have a new mom, she treats me good."  I found out there was another sister in the capital after they moved in.  I was in shock that there was another one.  She lives with a Dominican-American family and nothing with that story really makes sense. 

So, I have been here about 2.5 years and I am going through culture shock allllll over again.

In order for me to have legal custody of the kids, I need to obtain certain records and documents, then the judge will sign them over with the signature of a sister.  The kids were never legally signed to anyone, instead passed around to family members.  The oldest sisters have been very lazy with paperwork and this country doesn't exactly have set ways of doing things.  Luke, Naomi, Sul, and I have spent almost every single weekday since I took the girls in, trying to scramble around this town getting documents from birth certificates, to copies, to death records, prison record, autopsy papers, etc.  One day Luke and I both raised our voices at a sister that we want documents done and she went with all of in the car to get birth certificates (this does sound rude and I would say we were borderline rude, but it is important that I get signed soon because the trial for the father is coming up and I want all of this done before then.  I heard today he should get 30 years, but that source also said that you never know with this country what could happen when they go to trial.  They spend a year or sometimes 3, trying to figure out the facts of the case, then you go to trial.  Sometimes innocent people sit in jail during this process.  Also, the sister of the mom could drop charges against the dad and his sentence could drop.  This family has completely lost all my trust and I want to be done with it as quickly as possible). 

Anyway, when we left the judge's office the first day I went to sign, she told us to go up the street to another place to just obtain these records.  Little did I know, it was not as simple as she acted.  So we returned back to town after one man tried to charge us $75 for the prison paper because we were Americans.  I was beyond livid.  This process of getting official documents quickly in this country with the drop of money INFURIATES ME!!!!  We ended up getting that paper for free because "our friend knows someone."  Most of my documents have been located because "someone knows someone."  Sometimes this is great and sometimes it is absolutely ridiculous the documents you can get your hands on.  If you are American, it is assumed you have money.  I repeat I AM POOR over and over again.

The office we went to to get birth certs with the sister was the same place to get the mother's death certificate.  We had no idea that this was the same place to get the death certificate, so we ended up going back to this place another 4 times, mas o menos (the last document I need is the mother's death certificate).  The family was sure that someone had it, so we drove to houses searching.  No one could remember who had it (today we found out that that is not true).

I had a paper that has her burial plot (they have cemeteries above ground here). So the paper said that she was paid to stay there for 5 years (don't even ask what happens if someone stops paying...no clue what happens to their box).  We took the paper to the place to get the death certificate and we were told we needed the mother's cedulla and a family member's cedulla (something like a Dominican SSN card).  Okay, we obtained those.  Then we needed a paper from the cemetery that was official.  We went to the cemetery and they searched boxes looking for the document.  Remember?  I have a paid receipt copy.  Doesn't matter, they couldn't find THEIR copy.  "Sorry, we have no record of her and can't find it in our files (boxes)."  I wanted to lose my mind.  She is definitely there, go walk to the tomb!   You lost it??  Make another one up!  Once again, we obtained another document to take to the office to get the certificate, which is not the document we were originally told we needed.  Why did the document change?  No idea.  This was one from the hospital that is a report of how she died, similar to an autopsy, but not one.  Then we went back with it and they said they do not have a record of her death.  She is not declared dead.  I.may.lose.it.  Not declared dead?  I have a legal document that he was was arrested for her murder, I have an autopsy paper, and I have her burial plot paid, but she isn't dead?  How does all that happen without being declared dead??  As one person put it, "To them she is still alive, it's like she isn't dead because she isn't declared dead yet."  No one in her family declared her dead, so she is not dead.  Yet.  They didn't have to pay for this, just declare it.  So alllll along, we are trying to track a death certificate that DOES not exist and no one ever had.  Somehow the family didn't realize this.  Or did they?  I really do not know.

Let me pause here.  At different offices I am told, "Sorry, we don't have it."  It is very common here that the poor do not obtain proper records because they cost money.  Jessica's vaccinations' card is missing and the hospital told me she couldn't go to school.  After raising my voice that there IS SOMETHING they can do, we figured it out.  Telling me she can't go to school is not an answer, tell me what I do to make it happen.  This card is lost, so it's lost.  No copies of it anywhere at any office.  If it is, it is in a large book and no one is looking to see if there is a pen log.  OHHHhh okay, I can go to this certain doctor and PAY HER for all the shots (that are free at the public hospital) and she will start me a brand new card?  Fabulous. 

I wrote this yesterday and we are headed out to hopefully get that certificate of death because she is declared dead as of yesterday, I think, today.  Pray for us!!!  Headed to the doctors for vaccinations and the eye doctor because Daniela said she once had glasses.  Much love!

So Natural

Showers are taken, hairs have been braided, picture of Mama Espinal has been opened on my desktop and starred at.. and giggled about because Jessica is crying and no one remembers why (we found it on someone's FB homepage and downloaded it on the desktop for viewing anytime), kisses have been given and now we are in bed sleeping!

Nightly routine.  Little late today, but we got there.  BUT not before we all gave out Youuupeeeees (as they say it) and high 5's because Jessica did not have a single issue today!

PS I have changed the spelling of Jessica's name.  Sort of embarrassing but this is like one of 100 things I have learned as I just go along each day finding out new stuff.  I had to get copies of the birth certificate for guardianship and to my amazement it says "Jessica,"  but evidently no one in the house ever spelled it like that or says it like that, using English or Spanish sounds.  Yesica was the spelling and sound in Spanish, so I was using it.  Then it dawned on me that I can't go by what they said Mom said it was...I need to go by the birth certificate to help her learn how to spell her name for school.

We were out and about most of the day today dealing with doctors and school.  We had full blood, urine, and fecal tests done at the doctors office.  They were absolute champs giving blood.  Daniela actually had to give more blood the next day (last week) because they didn't have enough they said, and she didn't cry either time.  I love giving blood.  There are a million things that remind me of myself in her.  It is quite amazing she wasn't mine at birth...even down to one of her front teeth is exactly crooked to the side like mine was before braces.  She doesn't like to cry and I used to hate to cry.  People who cry were weak to me.  She is much more mature than her peers.  People would always tell me I was way more mature than my years, an "old soul" that always got along with older people well.  The biggest cuddler in the world. Check.  Among many, many more.

Then she loves the water and is fearless with it...and that is not me.  At all. :) 

So, doctor says Daniela has a urinary tract infection and Typhoid Fever (from drinking water contaminated with feces of a person that has Salmonella).  I asked her what kind of water she had at home and she said that everyone else was able to drink the purified water, but she had to drink from the tap.

Toilet paper wasn't always an option in the house, so I am not shocked by the UTI she has.  I got meds today and are on our way to better health.  She also said that in order for her to have shampoo to wash her hair, she had to clean her house spotless for 10 pesos (about 25 cents to purchase shampoo).  If she didn't clean it all, there was no shampoo for her to use.  Why was she an outcast?  I have no idea.  Others in the house had lice treatments.  She never got one.  They cut many inches off because there were too many bugs and eggs, she said.  She misses her long hair.  I spent the first five days doing treatments and combing her hair, daily.  I was beyond overwhelmed the first night of combing because there was just too much in her hair.  I felt like I wasn't making much of a dent, but I really was, I was just letting fear set in that I was going to get it and infest the house with it.  I had to take a breath and just be okay with getting it when she slept with me (when she was scared), because I couldn't get all of it out in one day.   I really do not understand any of the treatment that either of them have received this past year from family.  I won't exactly point fingers, but instead just know it is the devil.

One of the aunt's has more pictures of Mama Espinal with the kids and she wouldn't give one to Daniela when she asked for one (I wasn't there when she took her to get a photo).  Why?  I do not know other than the devil is sick.  I am going to nicely ask the aunt for a photo.  Last time Daniela saw one of the grandmother's, we had a translator with us, and found out the lady was being nasty to her, telling her she thinks she's better than them, coming there dressed like that, too good to talk to anyone anymore.  The devil.  Daniela is/was dressed well.  Everything was new.  They sent her with absolutely nothing.  She was clean and joyful filled with love.  So, yes, Gram, she's different. 

The girls just called me into their room to pray again right now.  Jessica came up to me before bed and said, "Hey, can we pray?" and then prayed asking God for certain things she wants!  Love that kid.  I have told them since they got here that they will need to be praying specifically for things they want or need.  Not just with me but when they are alone they should be lifting things up in prayer.  My friend Kelli sent an umbrella with the help of Naomi's idea.  Great gift for the girls, but the crazy part is Daniela said "OHHH I prayed for this!"  I thought, "What!? I had no idea you prayed for that!"

So, Daniela wanted to lead the prayer, "...God, please give my mama a husband. But listen, not just any person, one that is Christian..."  Where does she get this from??  I love that freaking kid.  She has told me her mom was Christian, but her dad was not.  "He worshiped Satan.  He must have..because a Christian would never do what he did to my mom if He had Jesus in his heart."  Wow, kiddo. 

Last part of my update, because I am tired.  Daniela barely attended school last year.  She was in Santiago part of the school year and then moved back to Jarabacoa and lived a few places, but wasn't put back into school.  She is wicked bright but missed her 4th grade year.  I have decided she will attend a Christian school that is half day, with the other half day with tutoring.  It is better than public school, but not quality like Dolous.  She doesn't know English, so she can't go to the school that Ethan goes to and Kathy and Trevor work at this year.  There is another option, but it puts her behind another year.  I am fine with it, I felt it wasn't going to happen in my spirit.  Jessica will go to the school and be in K.  She turns 5 in September.  She will learn some English this year and I am going to start teaching them it, too.  I have Suleidy, a student/friend/sister in Christ, helping me this summer with the girls.  She is helping with academics as well.  A true blessing that is an "old soul," too.  :)

I went for a jog alone today and it felt so odd not to have those little monkeys around.

It feels so natural having them in the house...as if it was always this way.  So freaking odd, I must admit.  Just feels like life.

Before and After Daniela Arrived Journal

I totally forgot as I wrote a blog tonight that I had started a journal to record my thoughts the week the mission team was here/the week God asked me to take Daniela and Jessica.  Once I realized that God was asking me to blog about it, I started to write things down and waited to post until things were clear.  Note, this doesn't start until Thursday of the week.  Here are some ramblings... (Daniela moved in Mon., June 16th, and then Jessica came on Friday of that week.)

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Went for a walk today and did the hill 6 times.  Probably the slowest time ever, just talking to God.  At one point I said, “And who will be their father right now!??”  it was if God cleared His throat in a pause, then said, “I AM.”  It was capital in my head, too, like it is in Exodus and when Jesus says it in John.  He always has been.

My heart went from heavy and empty to a smirk and a head nod.

Of course, You are.

Friday, June 13, 2014

6:11AM

Woke up so excited and just smiling

My pump is running outside and I thought I heard someone out there.  I looked out and there was a man with a hat on.  I went to my side porch and called to him, he looked up and it was the maintenance guy.  I was told he doesn’t work here anymore, but he was in the backyard doing something (sometimes you just go with things, like men in your backyard).  I told him I needed his number for problems and he gave it to me.  He said, “hey, do you need someone to clean for you?”  In shock, I just said, “what?”  He said his wife needs work and can clean my house.  I asked if she could take care of kids and he said sure!  I told him I would give him a call if I need his services. 

As I hit my door, I bursted into tears.  Of course, I had just been praying to God to work out the details of this very thing.  It was just one of the first ways He has shouted to me, “Got this! Sit back!”  Doesn’t mean I will hire her, it was just assurance of His authority and provision.

I woke up with such joy today. So much I can’t stop smiling at the fact that God chose me to be their mom. 

Saturday, June 14, 2014

6:47AM

I feel good this morning.  Last night I crawled into bed a bit anxious about Daniella’s head lice.  To say her head is infested sounds like an understatement.  I can see from the several eggs on one strand means that it will take days to comb through it all.  All I kept picturing is her giving it to me, getting in her bedding stuff, and not being able to get rid of it.  Honestly, I figured that us 3 girls would just all sleep in my bed the first night if they wanted to do a slumber party celebration…but her head is so filled, I would definitely get it and so would Yesi, if she doesn’t already have it. 

Change of plans and we will go with the flow.  So far the older sister that has custody of Dani says that she agrees the girls should stay together and that would be best for them.  We just need the other sister to sign rights over, too.  I have not heard any word from them yet. 

My heart is happy.  Very different from the first few days when God had asked me to surrender it.  I felt heavy and so out of my own head not knowing how to fully agree to this.

Monday, June 16, 2014

7:15AM

Daniela moves in Day

I had a better night’s rest last night than I have had all week.  I think I, more or less, passed out from exhaustion.  I planned on having my nightly coffee and texting with Summer and Heather, then I would start moving things around to clear out her room.  The power shut off and panic set in.  I was moving all these bags out of dining room from the mission team by flashlight.  Heather advised I take a break, so I jumped in the shower by candlelight.  The water was freezing and the pressure was very low.  I kept thinking is this really happening right now??  I had gotten out and decided that I can totally get some of it done.  Sadly, I had new clothes I wanted to wash and hang dry to be ready for today.   My heart was so sad and I was so overwhelmed that I wouldn’t be able to get all this stuff where it belonged in the dark.  Like I said, since God asked me to take her, my sleeping as been a bare minimum with tossing and turning in Holy Spirit prayers all night.  I was on my last straw.  I told heather I was panicky.  She told me to go ahead and quit for the night, Daniela doesn’t care if all that is done.  It was true.  My friend Kelli said she would love to help me set things up, she is just a kid.  I was fine with just doing a little and hit the sack…then the power came back on.  I was able to sweep, mop, clean, set up her room, do laundry, hang clothes on the line, and get her closet cleaned out of my stuff.  Passed out around 11:30PM.

I am disappointed to hear Jessica isn’t coming.  But my heart tells me she will be coming to join our little family soon.  I had been asking for prayer from just a few people about telling the sister I would adopt Jessica, too.  I see the pause now.  I texted heather if God’s saying anything to her and she said I just don’t know about that, and I had the same pause. (I love getting to look back at this as I hear from God and then seeing it confirmed, and followed through)

I am praying incessantly for these two little girls.  Night and day, consumed with Holy Spirit prayers.  Tossing and turning praying for their souls, safety until they come to my house, language barriers, knowing Jesus, me being able to know “Jesus words,”…etc.

I told God as I tossed early, early morning to wrap her in His arms immediately when she gets here and show her things You’ve done all along.  He said, “This will not be the first time I wrap that child in My arms.”   I knew He was with her through this crazy life path she has been on…because He is God.  He is everywhere.  But I didn’t think of it as taking care of “His kid.”  Mainly because she doesn’t know Him.   Nonetheless, the kids belong to Him.  <3  (Later, I find out, I was wrong with this sentence about her not knowing Him and that He saved them from being killed, as Daniela worded it to me one night.  Only because of Jesus are they alive today. Goosebumps).

Gotta read my bible and get ready.  1130 is court time.  I am excited.  I am filled with joy.  I have perma-grin.  I am honored to be asked to do such a grand thing.  

Thurs. June 19, 2014

9:55PM

Daniella moved in Monday and it looks like Jessica is now COMING!!  Praise Jesus!  The first night Daniela came into my room at 2:30AM.  She woke up in bed in a panic.  It was awkward being woken up, my brain had forgot she was here, and I started rambling in English!  She crawled into bed, buried her head in my chest, and wrapped her arms around me so tightly and didn’t stop for a good 30 mins.  I prayed over her little body over and over and over again.  I don’t think either of us really ever fell back asleep. 

She is doing so well adjusting, I am actually shocked, but I know it is God that has given her such comfort here.  She is so comfortable with Luke, Nay, and Ethan, too.  I have been going in her room since that first night and praying over her like a crazy religious person.  I don’t mind admitting that you may think I was a NUTJOB with the way I am commanding healing and adjustment and God’s hand on her body and soul.  I stand over her sleeping body with one hand almost touching her head or chest, praying whatever God puts in my Spirit to spit out.  (Even I think this is crazy, but I feel led to do it.  PS. She actually knows a lot about the Bible.  I was shocked and so excited!)  She has been completely sleeping through the entire night since and not had a single bad dream.)

Jessica moved in the next day after FIGHT paid for the sister to take a bus into town to bring Jessica and sign papers.  Papers still have not been signed because we have had a lot of trouble with the sisters cooperating with doing it legally and following through with their part.  With God's providence through family-friends, we have everything but one paper.  The mother's death certificate should be in my hands tomorrow...to sign rights over Wed.