We had a hard time last night. We had a few first days of rage, then it subsided for a few days. A broken living room coffee table smashed to pieces and a few punches later, everything was fine and calm for days. I don't get mad. I just stay calm and try to do what every article I have read says about kids that come from abused/traumatized backgrounds.
But last night, Yesica went to bed screaming. I think she passed out from exhaustion. It was over pajama pants. She wanted to wear a skirt to bed and I was totally fine with that, but then she wanted pants and we asked her to wait while Daniela and I figured out something on the baby shower registry. Meltdown and screaming pursued. This article I read said give her a "safe spot" to go to when she has this rage moments, but she tells me she doesn't want to sit down and color to calm down. I have started my own little sticker chart for positive behavior, like not telling me "no," for using words instead of hitting or crying, and she was doing great. Then, yesterday she wouldn't greet guests in the house and could careless about a sticker star. I love kids. Later, she told me she was scared of them. I told her it was fine, but she had to tell me the reason when it happens, not say "no." She earned a star for using her words to explain herself. When she first got here her jealousy was out of control for Daniela and for me. She would scream no one loves her, we don't like her, I only like Daniela and Daniela only likes me. Lots of rage over not being loved. Every new adult she meets that she gets alone with, she repeats that her dad killed her mom with a hammer. Most of her nights are filled with terrors of replaying the killing and she breaks out in sweats, wakes up quickly in a panic, and pees the bed because she refuses to move in the darkness of night. When I do get frustrated, I am reminded that she has it hard, I will be just fine.
I woke up this morning and she walked up to me with her big hair and a big gator tear under her left eye only. It slipped out of her eye and was stuck below her eyelash. She walked up close to my belly and looked up, "Soy mala, mama. Voy a cambiar." (I am bad (soy is used for permanent. estoy is used if she was acting a certain way/feelings etc) I am going to change. So she said she is just bad, pretty much). Her look was so heartbreaking to me that I burst into tears the second I tried to talk to her. I told her that her behavior is not good, but that she is a very good. The word SOY just crushed me. She came with many bruises up her back thighs and inner thighs because I am sure she has heard she is bad. I called to Daniela because I knew she had given her a talk about what happened. She said, "Why are you crying?" I told her I was upset because she doesnt understand. She is the oldest sister. She has told her that this is a "House of God. We are safe here. We don't hit each other here. Bad things don't happen here, etc." All of that just warms my heart, but she has also told her that if she doesn't stop this raging, I will send her away. I had a sit down when I realized what she was telling her. You are going to live here with me forever. If you break everything in this house, you are still going to live here. If you take care of our things, you are still going to live here. Whether you punch me or you kiss me, you are still living here. Nothing is going to change where you live. (They have had many homes since mom died and they rarely say someone was "nice" to them.)
We are heading to the waterfalls with the Ostbergs...we are so excited! Gotta go!
But last night, Yesica went to bed screaming. I think she passed out from exhaustion. It was over pajama pants. She wanted to wear a skirt to bed and I was totally fine with that, but then she wanted pants and we asked her to wait while Daniela and I figured out something on the baby shower registry. Meltdown and screaming pursued. This article I read said give her a "safe spot" to go to when she has this rage moments, but she tells me she doesn't want to sit down and color to calm down. I have started my own little sticker chart for positive behavior, like not telling me "no," for using words instead of hitting or crying, and she was doing great. Then, yesterday she wouldn't greet guests in the house and could careless about a sticker star. I love kids. Later, she told me she was scared of them. I told her it was fine, but she had to tell me the reason when it happens, not say "no." She earned a star for using her words to explain herself. When she first got here her jealousy was out of control for Daniela and for me. She would scream no one loves her, we don't like her, I only like Daniela and Daniela only likes me. Lots of rage over not being loved. Every new adult she meets that she gets alone with, she repeats that her dad killed her mom with a hammer. Most of her nights are filled with terrors of replaying the killing and she breaks out in sweats, wakes up quickly in a panic, and pees the bed because she refuses to move in the darkness of night. When I do get frustrated, I am reminded that she has it hard, I will be just fine.
I woke up this morning and she walked up to me with her big hair and a big gator tear under her left eye only. It slipped out of her eye and was stuck below her eyelash. She walked up close to my belly and looked up, "Soy mala, mama. Voy a cambiar." (I am bad (soy is used for permanent. estoy is used if she was acting a certain way/feelings etc) I am going to change. So she said she is just bad, pretty much). Her look was so heartbreaking to me that I burst into tears the second I tried to talk to her. I told her that her behavior is not good, but that she is a very good. The word SOY just crushed me. She came with many bruises up her back thighs and inner thighs because I am sure she has heard she is bad. I called to Daniela because I knew she had given her a talk about what happened. She said, "Why are you crying?" I told her I was upset because she doesnt understand. She is the oldest sister. She has told her that this is a "House of God. We are safe here. We don't hit each other here. Bad things don't happen here, etc." All of that just warms my heart, but she has also told her that if she doesn't stop this raging, I will send her away. I had a sit down when I realized what she was telling her. You are going to live here with me forever. If you break everything in this house, you are still going to live here. If you take care of our things, you are still going to live here. Whether you punch me or you kiss me, you are still living here. Nothing is going to change where you live. (They have had many homes since mom died and they rarely say someone was "nice" to them.)
We are heading to the waterfalls with the Ostbergs...we are so excited! Gotta go!
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